26 September 2006

Cherie Blair's WAGhood 1997-2006

Cherie's first personal stylist was an 18th Century judgeThe news that Cherie Blair's time as a leading member of the England WAGs (Wives And Girlfriends) has passed away after nine-and-a-half years has come as an enormous shock to expensive hairdressers and style consultants across Britain and an enormous relief to Labour Party supporters and Downing Street officials.

Cherie Blair's WAGhood was born in May 1997 when, with her husband elevated to the Premiership, humble Cherie Blair - the straightforward young woman who once told a reporter she could have grown up to be a simple Liverpudlian shopgirl - joined the ranks of "Wives And Girlfriends" of the international scene's most famous players.

Though often criticised for finding herself in the light of media stardom only due to her proximity to her silky-skilled husband, there can be little doubt that as a WAG Cherie brought something unique to the celebrity firmament, even if that unique something was merely a tendency to shoot her mouth off at extremely unfortunate moments. Certainly, things began well for Cherie's WAGhood - with her husband's electrifying pace of reform and exquisite bill-passing skills receiving praise abroad as well as at home, Mrs Blair soon found herself jetting first class around the globe, staying in the most luxurious locations and being pictured in the most glamorous nightspots in the most expensive of designer creations.

While Tony spent his days juggling balls with top-flight international players such as Silvio "I Own The Referee" Berlusconi and George "Bomb Your Legs Off" Bush, Cherie spent them indulging her hobby of being a lawyer, giggling with her style consultants and £275 a go hairdressers, or indulging in house-buying trips with Australian conmen. Her evenings were spent on Tony's arm, wining and dining with the country's leading celebrities, actors, artists, popstars and also Sir Cliff Richard.

It may be trite to assert that such a blessed life could not be long-lived but it was nonetheless true of Cherie's WAGhood. With her husband's pace and flair being sapped by the years, frequent conflicts with midfield maestro Gordon Brown, and tabloid rumours of an affair with George Bush, Cherie was soon facing the prospect of her WAGhood, like his career, being relegated to the bench. Attempts to carve out her own career in charity work were frustrated by the fact a major beneficiary so often seemed to be Cherie herself, while attempts to carve out a career as a respected judge were frustrated by her tendency to indulge in Mayan rebirthing ceremonies to readjust her energy flow. The final blow was to come when Tony suffered a dreadful injury following a tackle from behind by several members of his own team, led by Gordon Brown. Facing isolation and loss of her WAG privileges, Cherie's WAGhood spontaneously combusted.

The funeral was held at Manchester's GMEX Centre
The funeral ceremony was held in Manchester on Tuesday. As the WAGhood's small urn was placed in its niche before an honour guard of Hopi ear candle sellers and an audience who had been forced to pay £300 a head for the privilege of attending, Cherie herself was overcome by her emotions. That these emotions were chiefly malice and rage became evident as she had to be dragged from the graveside, screaming "F***ing Brown. I'll rip the lying Scottish get's f***ing throat out".

Cherie Blair's WAGhood is survived by a massive mortgage, a series of highly profitable "charity" lectures and Samantha Cameron.