The European Playstation 3 2006-2006

In darkened bedrooms across Europe, millions of gamers are sitting, unwashed and ashen-faced, hardly able to contemplate the grim reality of the newly-dawned day. Although this is completely normal behaviour, experts believe that at least some of them will be mourning the European Playstation 3, whose death was announced in Japan on Wednesday night by staff at the Premature Consoles Unit of the once prestigious St Sony's Hospital.


Born before its time after its mother received a terrible shock - it is understood she was almost crushed by a herd of gigantic Xbox 360's while on safari in the United States - the European Playstation 3 struggled almost from the moment of its birth. Ugly and misshapen, "the elephant console" as it became known - spent its short life being exhibited to carefully selected crowds of prurient gaming journalists and spotty teenage boys with fake passes, all eager to thrill at its monstrous form and ungainly blu-ray drive. Forced to perform tricks - balancing millions of pixels on screen at a time, waggling its motion sensitive "joypad" - for the amusement of the crowd, even as it was being prodded and gawped at by the curious, the console's already weak health was failing. Soon, medics at St Sony's were hiding it from sight altogether, while they struggled night and day to save its life. Finally, with several of its organs failing or missing altogether, the doctors had no alternative but to cease treatment and pronounce "Game Over" on their patient.

The European Playstation 3 was buried on Thursday, in a very large, shiny black coffin which was laid to rest under a gigantic widescreen TV while the choir sang an a cappella version of the Crash Bandicoot theme. It is survived by an Italian plumber with a gorilla fixation and Bill Gates.