06 September 2006

Tony Blair's Grip On Power 1994-2006

Prime Minister Blair attending the G8 summit prior to the Grip's assassinationPrime Minister Tony Blair's Grip On Power slipped away last night, complaining of stabbing pains in the back, following a sudden attack by some of its closest followers.

Born in 1994, with Tony Blair's accession to the Labour leadership, the youthful Grip was seen as the saviour of its party and its country after years of tyranny. The Grip held the people of Britain in thrall through sheer force of personality and the ability to say whatever it thought its listeners wanted to hear. Within three years the Grip had taken control of the whole of the United Kingdom amid scenes of jubilation as a grateful nation celebrated the end of 18 years of attacks on public services and civil liberties by a rulers apparently drunk on their own power.

It was not long, however, before these celebrations turned to consternation as The Grip began the sequence of behaviour that would lead ultimately to its demise. By late 1997, rumours were already circulating that it had persuaded Mr Blair to announce to his inner circle that he was, in fact, the reincarnation of the divine Thatcher and should be worshipped as a God. Soon The Grip was at work demanding sacrifices from public sector workers, single mothers and people on disability benefit, as well as pushing ahead with grandiose plans to erect a temple to its memory in the form of a giant dome in Greenwich.

The Grip's temple at Greenwich
In the following years, The Grip's behaviour became ever more erratic, alternating between showering its followers among the legions of the public services with billions of pounds, the next moment insisting they be sacrificed to market forces in the arena. Increasingly fixated on creating a legacy comparable to that of its forbears, The Grip began engaging in an ever larger number of wars, eager to bring the Pax Britannica to all parts of the globe whether they wanted it or not, ultimately leaving the country's forces so thinly spread that men marching in the closest possible formation could only speak to each other via mobile phone.

Cherie Blair attempts to hide from The GripBy the closing days of Mr Blair's Premiership, The Grip was showing ever more signs of mental instability, making plans for a grand progress around the country in which the people of Britain could show their deep love for the leader or be imprisoned under the latest provisions of the Terrorism Act for failing to do so, as well as privately revealing its intention to make a horse - or failing that, Cherie Blair - Lord Chancellor. In the end, even members of The Grip's loyal Praetorian Guard began to feel unsettled, leading finally to their decision to assassinate their leader even as it returned from the corridors of The Times having announced its immortality.

Tony Blair's Grip On Power will receive its final burial next summer, or sooner if Gordon Brown can manage to hold the pillow down long enough without being caught. It is survived by rising unemployment, a struggling National Health Service, a heightened terrorist threat and Education Secretary, Alan Johnson.