Online Poker 2000-2006

Reports of the death of Online Poker have not, it would appear, been exaggerated. The latest bulletins from those checking Online Poker's failing stock market pulse over the last few days confirm that "OP" - as it was known to its pals - died last night following a surprise attack on Friday by 492 US senators desperately in search of mid-term re-election.

The senators’ attack put a brutal end to a life lived on the edge of and beyond the law in the Wild West of the internet. Born in Britain, after a youth in which it quickly learned how to take candy from babies, OP soon went on to parting fools from their money – preferably thousands of fools from lots and lots of money. Soon it was striding into gathering places across the web offering the chance to lose vast amounts of cash without ever having to enter a seedy bar or meet the men who planned to break your legs.

It was in its success that the seeds of OP’s downfall lay. Pious churchmen and even more pious online bookmakers, lottery organisers and Las Vegas casino-owners were driven to condemn the wicked-ways of this dastardly out-of-towner. By the spring of 2006 they had clubbed together to hire the services of one of the most notorious gangs in all of the United States – the Capitol Hill Mob.

The fatal, final attack came on Friday, during a game of draw poker. Having failed to secure its usual seat at the gaming table facing towards the door by means of the usual bribes lobby payments, OP was just reaching forward to rake easy money off another million hopeless losers when it was shot through the back of the head with three bullets from a .45 amendment to the Safe Port Act.

Online Poker is survived by Online Betting On Horse-Races, Online Lotteries and several trillion pages of internet porn.