09 September 2006

Boris Johnson's Mouth 1964-2006

Tory frontbench spokesman Boris Johnson's Mouth has passed away during the night, mere hours after being shot off by Mr Johnson himself.

The Mouth before the shootingBoris Johnson's Mouth was born in 1964, to a long line of Mouths. Educated at Eton and Oxford, and well-versed in the language of Ancient Greece, Rome and Billy Bunter, the Mouth had all the qualifications necessary to make it a senior body part at both the influential right-leaning Daily Telegraph newspaper and the influential right-leaning Spectator magazine. Its progress was swift, soon becoming Telegraph leader writer, a task made all the more difficult by having to grasp its pen between its teeth. Just one year after Mr Johnson's marriage to Marina Wheeler in 1993, it became Mouth to The Spectator editor, in which role it divided its time between conducting editorial meetings and whispering sweet nothings into Petronella Wyatt's Ear.

Beyond journalism, Boris Johnson's Mouth began to make a name for itself in comedy, appearing on satirical panel shows such as The News Quiz and Have I Got News For You, as well as in the long running Whitehall farce "The Conservative Party", in which it was to take a leading role in 2004 as Parliamentary Mouth to the Shadow Minister for Arts. Regretfully, the Mouth was already becoming increasingly eccentric and unreliable and, in October 2004, Mr Johnson is believed to have shot it off for the first time, making characteristically ill-judged reference to the Hillsborough disaster and claiming that Liverpudlians were mawkish. Despite doing dreadful penance by making a speaking tour of Liverpool, worse was to come only days later when Mr Johnson shot off his Mouth again, after it declared that claims it was having an affair with Petronella Wyatt's Ear were "an inverted pyramid of piffle" a declaration that led to the ground opening beneath it and attempting to swallow it up, while Mr Johnson's pants burst into spontaneous flame. Its reputation in tatters, the Mouth was dismissed from its role, only returning to the Conservative front benches in 2006 as part of new Tory leader David Cameron's assemblage of thrusting and radical Old Etonians.

Tired, weary and mentally unbalanced, Mr Johnson shot off his Mouth for the final time this week, accusing Papua New Guineans of being cannibals. Friends and journalists, hoping for one last misstatement from The Mouth, were gathered at its bedside as it uttered its final words which were "yoiks", or possibly "yarroo". It is to be buried next Saturday, alongside Gogol's Nose and Kafka's Dick.