17 September 2006

The 21st Century 2001-2006

Egged on by Pope Benedict, the crowd prepare to burn their evil 21st Century camerasThe population of the Vatican was today mourning the 21st Century, after it was declared dead by Pope Benedict XVI in a brief address from St Peter's Square.

It appears from his His Holiness's speech that, despite being born in a vigorous bout of distrust of modernity brought on by inoculation with the Millennium Bug, the still young century had been showing increasing signs of ill health over the past six years. In particular there was evidence that it had inherited several afflictions from its parents, the 19th and 20th centuries, including freedom of thought, belief in Darwinian Evolution, women's liberation, the unfortunate practice of prosecuting priests who wish to display their affections to young choir boys and a distressing lack of crusades in the Holy Land. The Century having failed to improve despite the finest leechcraft of the Vatican's doctors, the Holy Father eventually found himself with no alternative but to administer the last rites to the century ... whilst also administering a red hot poker to the Century's fundament.

Speaking to an assembled crowd of serfs, freemen, pardoners, clerkes, reeves, apothecaries and villeins, Pope Benedict announced that henceforth the 21st century will be replaced by the ever-reliable 14th century, adding that from now on the Sun will travel around the Earth, the Black Death will be endemic across Europe and the best way of improving Christian-Muslim relations will be at the end of a long and pointy lance. His Holiness's address was greeted by rapturous applause from the crowd, though the effect was somewhat lessened when several of the lepers' arms fell off. Fortunately the festive air was soon restored by the burning of an assortment of witches.

The 21st Century was buried on Saturday morning in a moving ceremony, marred only when Pope Benedict told the assembled relatives that the 21st Century was "evil and inhuman", although officials later explained His Holiness had not meant to cause any offence.


Aaliyah Hannah said...

This was the Pope in private before the speech: "All you ever hear on CNN is Bush Bush Bush Iraq Iraq Iraq Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad Ahmadinejad! I'm the fucking Pontiff! Fuck these assholes! From now on the nations of the world shall know my name. What's my name again?"

Love said...

At least God's representative presided over the proceedings.