Gordon Brown's Chance of Ever Becoming Prime Minister 1994-1994

Gordon Brown’s Chance of Ever Becoming Prime Minister was found dead this weekend after constables broke down the door of its Downing Street residence. The police had been alerted to a possible tragedy by a noisy and protracted domestic row between Mr Brown and his neighbour.

Police sources revealed The Chance of Gordon Brown Ever Becoming Prime Minister had been stabbed through the heart with a silver fork bearing the legend “Granita”. It is thought that the fatal blow was struck by Tony Blair during a lunch at the Granita restaurant, Islington in 1994, when Gordon agreed to let Mr Blair become Prime Minister – in return for Tony picking up the bill for the meal.

It appears that a macabre cult, known only as The Brownites, had concealed the death from the Prime Minister, an unsuspecting media and even Mr Brown himself. The necrophiliac group worshipped the corpse daily, believing a day would come when it would be resurrected as the saviour of the Labour Party, the nation and Raith Rovers FC.

For the last 13 years the media unquestioningly accepted The Brownites' claims that The Chance of Gordon Brown Ever Becoming Prime Minister was alive and well. Recent sightings of vultures circling Downing Street led to a vigorous investigation into the health of The Chance, however, and - following reports of crockery being thrown at Number Ten during a meeting between Brown and Blair - journalists scented blood ... or possibly embalming fluid.

Members of the Labour Party, realising the game was up, readily confessed the truth about the gruesome murder – prompting Charles Clarke to accuse Gordon Brown of “absolutely stupid” behaviour, an area in which the disgraced former-Home-Secretary is a much-respected authority.

The Chance of Gordon Brown Ever Becoming Prime Minister will be cremated at a Private-Finance-Initiative funeral this week. It is survived by Mr Brown's beloved Prudence and Prime Minister Tony Blair.