13 September 2006

Paul Burrell's Link To Reality 1958-2006

A Linkless Burrell appears on ITV Doctors at the St Diana Hospital for the Self-Deluded have confirmed that former Royal Butler Paul Burrell's Last Link To Reality passed away this week. Although reports from the hospital remain unclear it appears that The Link - which had been in poor health for many years - entered a coma early on Sunday after a brief, seventeen-hour, chat with Mr Burrell himself about the former butler's deep and abiding love for Diana, Princess of Wales and how much he meant to her.

The product of a childhood in a coal-mining village in the North of England, The Link spent much of its troubled life in Mr Burrell's company. When he first joined the Royal staff, The Link decided to go with him, taking it upon itself to listen to young Paul's tales of Royal goings-on while quietly reminding him of his position - at that time Third Under-Footstool-In-Waiting.

The relationship between the pair became more difficult in 1987, when Mr Burrell was appointed butler to the Prince and Princess of Wales. With Mr Burrell spending much of his time in the glare of the media spotlight (even if only at the very edge of that glare and usually concealed beneath the princess's shopping), The Link found itself seeing less and less of its old friend. Things worsened still following the Royal divorce when - apparently prompted by an offhand remark from Diana - Mr Burrell spent several months believing he was a rock.

Following Diana's death, The Link's attempts to see Mr Burrell became ever more infrequent. Soon it became content to sit at home, watching its old friend as he chose to maintain a quiet and dignified silence by selling his story to the world and eating kangaroo testicles on ITV 'reality' programme "I'm A Nonentity - Get Me Out of Here".

Soon The Link's health began to fail, even as Mr Burrell was finding a new role for himself as keeper of a private museum containing a surprisingly large assortment of Diana's property and as defender of the princess's reputation against all those who might wish to do her wrong, such as her own children.

The Link is survived by the only person on this Earth who ever really knew and understood Diana.