David Cameron "Heir to Blair" 2005-2007

Political commentators are today snorting into their third bottle of that rather decent red and ordering up a couple of decent brandies to wash it down in memory of David Cameron's oft-proclaimed status as "the heir to Blair", which has passed away this weekend after being crucified in the press and by the Conservative party faithful.

Until 2005, few suspected Mr Cameron's true nature. To all intents and purposes he seemed merely to be a simple direct descendant of William IV and his mistress, happy to toil his way through Eton and Oxford (via the odd bit of genteel thuggery at The Bullingdon Club). Whereas in previous generations the landed classes were given to sending their less obviously distinguished scions into the Church of England, changing times forced the young David instead into the Conservative Party, where he was later to distinguish himself by acting as special adviser to Chancellor Norman Lamont during the Black Wednesday fiasco. From here, his journey towards a safe seat as a Tory MP was assured. Yet still there seemed nothing particularly special about the man who would eventually be hailed as the Tories' new Messiah.

It was in the Garden of Gethsemane of Winter in Blackpool at the Conservative Party Conference of 2005 that Mr Cameron's closest political friend and honorary life-president of the Eton Tuck Shop Debating Society, George Osborne, first proclaimed his ally's rebirth as "the heir to Blair". Given that Mr Cameron was at this time a rank-outsider to succeed Michael "I don't drink ... wine" Howard as Conservative leader and Mr Blair was marginally less popular with the public than a severe genito-urinary infection or a Davina McCall chatshow, Mr Osborne's announcement seemed both ill-timed and ill-advised. Nonetheless, the signs of Mr Cameron's new incarnation should have been clear for years: he was, after all - and just like Mr Blair - a glibly charming public schoolboy with - again, like Mr Blair - all the deeply-held political conviction of a stick of bubble-gum; he had - just like Mr Blair before his journey to the leadership - wholly endorsed a general election manifesto pandering shamelessly to his party's more extremist members without believing a word of it; he did - like Mr Blair - see presentation as superior to policy; he was - like Mr Blair - eager for power.

Mr Cameron's new status was confirmed within days of Mr Osborne's proclamation, as he manifested on TV and radio, eager to deny his Messiah-hood thrice before John Humphrey's crowed, whilst equally eager to fill the airwaves with vacuous, policy-free statements about hope, opportunity and how nice it is when things are nice. Soon he was performing miracles, casting out the monomaniacal obsession of his party with Europe, resurrecting the Conservatives' position in the polls and appearing to the faithful in visions⁽¹⁾.

Yet this was not enough to satisfy the Pharisees and Sadducees among the Tories. When he sought to cast the Grammar Schools out of the Conservative Temple he was turned on by those he had thought his disciples and dragged before the court of the righteous to be examined before the high priests of the Conservative press, who demanded that "the heir to Blair" be put to death.

David Cameron "Heir to Blair" will be formally buried in a speech to the party faithful. Mr Cameron himself is expected to be resurrected in a few days as "The Niece to Heath", unable to stick with any policy and unsure of exactly who should be governing Britain. The Heir to Blair is survived by a smile flitting over the face of Shadow Home Secretary David Davis and by Gordon Brown.

⁽¹⁾ well, on webcameron.