The London 2012 Olympic Logo 2007-2007

Graphic designers are today weeping into their vodka and Red Bulls as they mark the passing of The London 2012 Olympic Logo, that astonishing piece of imagery which had briefly succeeded in uniting the nation ... in utter condemnation.

The Logo was the child of the middle-aged and besuited London Games Organising Committee⁽¹⁾ and dashing, Hoxton-finned, brand consultant Wolff Olins. The conception, it must be admitted, was not without attendant difficulties. For several months the committee lay back, thought of England and handed over hundreds of thousands of pounds, while the dashing Wolff tried everything from running things up flagpoles, pushing the envelope, thinking outside the box, leveraging its creativity, empowering its knowledge-base and fast-tracking its synergies. All was to no avail until Wolff briefly gave up its attempt to service the needs of the Committee, took a moment to stare out of the window and spotted a gang of hoodies incompetently spray-painting a Committee member's car with a pink swastika. Inspired, Wolff immediately called on the Committee to hand over £400,000 and bend over, before proceeding to give it what is usually termed "a right royal rogering".

After a short pregnancy, the Committee finally gave birth to the logo on 4 June 2007. The reaction to its appearance is perhaps best judged by the fact that the doctor overseeing the Logo's birth could only be restrained from his repeated attempts to slap it back into the womb by three hospital orderlies and a passing scrum-half. It was, in truth, an unlovely child, combining the graceful line of a tartrazined-up five-year-old's drawing, the delicate palette of one of Sir Elton John's stage outfits and the understated iconography of the Nazi party.

Such an ill-favoured infant could not be expected to have either a long or a successful life. When presented to the public it produced extraordinary displays of horror and disgust normally capable of being induced only by a Channel 4 documentary or showing Melanie Phillips a single mother. When presented to potential Olympic sponsors it resulted in the whittling down of their number to two graffiti-removal firms and a German-accented South American dentist going by the name of Diego Alfonso von Martin Bormann.

Yet the Logo might perhaps have struggled on even then, had it not been for experts warning that - in its animated form - it was capable of producing epileptic fits in those vulnerable to flashing images, and apoplectic fits in those who cared a damn about good design. Reluctantly, the Committee was forced to remove the Logo from its website.

The funeral for The London 2012 Olympic Logo will be held at St Sebastian Coe's Church of the Bleeding Disaster. The Reverend Tessa Jowell will read from an official advisory warning epileptics that the following funeral contains rapidly flashing images. The hymn will be number 728 "Dear Lord! They paid £400,000 for that?!!"

The London 2012 Olympic Logo will be buried under a vast petition calling for its immediate destruction. It is predeceased by the Olympic Spirit and several billion pounds.

⁽¹⁾ which has insisted that it's abbreviation should be Locog rather than Loco, at least proving that its members - contrary to popular opinion - are not completely stupid.