08 June 2007

Paris Hilton’s Dreadful Incarceration 3rd June 2007-7th June 2007

Paris Hilton’s Dreadful Incarceration has died cruelly in its infancy after only three days – although her lawyers argued it was five – following the release of the world’s greatest hotel heiress and sex tape celebrity on unspecified medical grounds, rumoured to be Vacant Personality Syndrome.

The heir to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune - alongside her siblings London Hilton, Tokyo Hilton and New York Hilton – Paris Hilton has for years led an existence troubled only by the threat to the Hilton fortune from long-lost cousin, Wolverhampton Travelodge. Yet, despite being born into a life of untold wealth and privilege, Paris has become one of this century’s creative artists.

As one of the foremost actresses of her generation she starred in the horror film House of Wax – a terrifying tale of a bikini-line treatment gone wrong – and has made four series of a groundbreaking neuroscience documentary filmed inside her own brain, The Simple Life. Doubtless inspired by the brilliant work of flagrant self-promoters controversial artists such as Jeff Koons, Paris went on to explore the world of the photographic arts, first coming to the art world's attention with her in-depth and probing video installation 1 Night in Paris and later stunning the cognoscenti with her series of Getting Out of the Car triptychs, featuring the shaven pudenda of herself and fellow artists Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. As well as her achievements in the visual media, Paris was also to prove herself in the world of music, becoming one of the most startling interpreters of popular song since Hylda Baker and Arthur Mullard with her eponymous album, Paris(1) featuring such timeless hits as Turn It Up (No, God No, Please No, Don’t!), Nothing in This World (Except $50 Million in the Bank) and Stars are Blind-Drunk and Behind the Wheel.

All these great works were put under threat in September 2006, when the brilliant heiress was arrested for driving under the influence of too much money and over-exposure on TV, the internet and the press and sentenced to 36 months' probation and had her licence suspended. Understandably unaware that the law could ever apply to one of such enormous global stature (and significantly more enormous wealth), and - as she was later to tell the court - incapable of performing such humdrum tasks as reading her own mail, who could blame her for popping out in her car almost immediately after her sentence and blasting through a 35mph zone at 70mph with all the grace of Mr Toad of Toad Hall in pursuit a canary-coloured cart.

Despite her obvious innocence of the charges brought against her due to her total lack of mens rea(2) (having little or no mens at all) and pleas from her friends and relatives to the Governor of California himself, Mr Arnold Terminator, the uncaring authorities decided to break the Hilton butterfly upon their legalistic wheel. Careless of Paris's impassioned courtroom plea that one of her ability should not be forced to spend time with the little people, she was sentenced to 30 days in Los Angeles County Jail. So it was that this brilliant young lady was banged up in front of the watching cameras (in truth, not the first time this had occurred) and Paris Hilton’s Dreadful Incarceration was born.

After just three days and nights, the butterfly was truly broken: Paris had developed a serious medical condition known to laymen as "being a rich white woman in a US jail". Deeply concerned at this, a sympathetic sheriff's office swiftly acted to free her from her plight, choosing to let her serve the rest of her sentence under house arrest wearing an electronic tag - just as soon as they could get Prada to make one for her. So Paris Hilton's Dreadful Incarceration was brought to an end.

Paris Hilton’s Dreadful Incarceration will be buried in a lavish ceremony attended by a weeping Statue of Justice. It is survived by yet more front-page coverage for Ms Hilton and thousands of poor and unconnected people serving out their sentences in the normal manner.

(1) A title Paris arrived at after having the meaning of "eponymous" explained to her no less than 17 times.
(2) "Guilty mind".