01 January 2007

The Year 2006: 2006-2006

The Year 2006 passed away on the stroke of midnight last night. Those present at the scene identified the cause of death as either a blow to the head from a misdirected champagne cork or, even worse, the shame induced by a misdirected attempt to snog that woman it had been eyeing up at the New Year's Eve party all evening, which was accidentally intercepted by a very surprised Barry from the gym.

A memorial service for the year 2006 will be held this morning, at which time millions of people will remember the past 365 days by swallowing the most powerful analgesics their medicine cupoboard can deliver, swearing never, ever to go to a New Year's Eve Party again and then trying to work out whether that sneaky cigarette they had at 12.01 am means they've already broken their most important New Year's Resolution.

The Year 2006 will be interred in the 2006 memorial cemetery. Amid the many important people and things buried alongside it in the cemetery's extensive and handily-arranged-by-months grounds are ...

January
The Thames Whale
Charles Kennedy's LibDem Leadership
George Galloway's dignity

February
Michael Jackson's status as the only human (?) to have had a face transplant
Cartoon images of the prophet
£53m from a Securitas depot

March
Tax-free chopsticks in China
The Mystery of Loch Ness

April
Wayne Rooney's metatarsal
CDs
Weirdo celebrities being allowed to give their kids dreadful names
John Prescott's political career

May
Eurovision's reputation for bland europop
Sven Goran Eriksson's sanity

June
A lot of Egyptologists' hopes
Pet allergies
The Yangtze River Dolphin

July
The red paperclip quest
The lunatic belief that a bunch of overpampered, overpaid no-hopers could win the World Cup

August
Elvis's teddy
The satirical desert that existed before the launch of As A Dodo
The Planet Pluto

September
SMART-1's road trip
Team USA's Ryder Cup hopes
Steve Irwin

October
Limbo
North Korea's nagging sense of international inadequacy
Faith School Quotas

November
The relative obscurity of Polonium 210
Farepak
The Three Blind Mice

December
England's Ashes Hopes
Diana Conspiracy Theories
Open University Broadcasting
and, of course, Saddam Hussein.


The Year 2006 is survived by the year 2007, numerous hangovers and the As A Dodo team.

4 Comments:

Colin Campbell said...

My predictions for 2006 are

1. Former Dictators, Pinochet and Hussein will be ex humans.
2. The England Cricket Team will surrender the Ashes.
3. Hogmanay Celebrations in Edinburgh and Glasgow will be cancelled due to the weather.
4. Current Dictators, George Bush and Tony Blair will still be in power.
5. Paris Hilton will spend Christmas in Australia.

My predictions for 2007.

1. Christmas will be on December 25th, a Tuesday.
2. There will be 365 days in 2007.
3. The sun will rise in the East and set in the West every day of 2007.

Very funny blog. Glad to have made your acquaintance. As Arnie would say "I'll be back!!"

THE PERIODIC ENGLISHMAN said...

Hello. I'm not long back from paying my respects at the memorial cemetry - it was a beautiful service, wasn't it? I think it's what 2006 would have wanted.

Many, of course, chose to dishonour the memory of 2006. This disgusts me. 2006 was many things, it is true, but it seems particularly cruel and disrespectful to focus solely on the flabby, violent, wet and disappointing nature of his life. How must this make 2007 feel, for pity's sake, to hear this lambasting of his departed kin? I don't think anyone ever thinks of
this.

Your gentle words must surely comfort 2007 as he takes his first tentative steps out from beneath the shadows of his dissolute and despairing forefathers. You are to be commended.

I, on the other hand, am to be committed.

Kind regards etc....

The As A Dodo Team said...

Humble thanks to you both for your kind, kind words. Particular thanks to Colin for the daring predictions for 2007. In similar vein may we also venture that we predict that in 2007 the Pope will, in all likelihood, remain a Catholic and bears may well carry out their lavatorial functions in areas notable for the presence of significant numbers of trees.

Anonymous said...

LOvely stuff keep it up.