David Beckham's Spanish Career 2003-2007

Footballers will today sign a series of vastly over-remunerative sponsorship deals in memory of the Spanish Career of former England soccer captain David Robert Joseph Beckham, which has finally passed away after months of illness, bravely borne.

David Beckham's Spanish Football Career was born in 2003 to a barrowload of money from Real Madrid and a blazing row with Sir Alex Ferguson. Within seconds of its birth it was hailed as a "galactico", a Spanish term that translates into English as "overpaid, big name footballer who will fail to assist Real's quest for a major trophy" - a role which David was to fulfil perfectly during the three-and-a-half years of his Spanish Career's life. From the outset he threw himself into his new life: despite many struggles and missteps he eventually came to grips with a complex language and, having finally mastered sufficient English to conduct an interview without need to resort to signs, even went on to learn some simple Spanish words, including the phrases, "How much will you pay me to do that?", "Where is the mobile of Rebecca Loos?" and "No, my wife's breasts are all her own, honest, the strange ridge at the top is due to a complex genetic condition".

While matters off the field were going well, with regular appearances in celebrity gossip magazines and tabloids encouraging regular transfusions of cash from major sponsors, matters on the pitch fared rather worse. Soon, the Spanish Career was showing signs of illness, with the young star who had burst onto the scene from the wing soon showing signs of fizzling out - like so many overswerved free kicks - meaninglessly in the middle of the pitch. It was not long before the Career was not even fit enough to make its regular cameo appearances from the bench and was instead transferred to the reserves where its final, sad moments could be kept from the media.

Despite such treatment, Beckham himself managed to keep his spirits to the last, even managing to joke with reporters gathered around the Spanish Career's deathbed that its end had nothing to do with Los Angeles Galaxy's £125 million offer and was "all about the kids". It was as the chorus of raucous laughter this quip engendered died down that the Spanish Career breathed its last.

A moving ceremony will be held for David Beckham's Spanish Football Career this summer, during which a series of removal men will transfer a vast number of overpriced clothing and gold-plated furniture from Spain to Los Angeles. It will be attended by all Victoria and David Beckham's new Hollywood friends, just as soon as they can buy some. The Spanish Career was predeceased by David Beckham's England Career. It is survived by Hello magazine.