Tony Blair's Green Credentials 1994-2007

Tony Blair’s Green Credentials died this week after a long battle with plausibility when they were finally shot down in flames by his own sustainable development adviser, JonathonPorritt

Tony Blair’s Green Credentials were born in July 1994 when he became leader of the Labour Party and immediately began throwing out old Labour policies harmful to the chances of Tony Blair ever becoming prime minister. Clause IV – the party’s commitment to the common ownership of the means of production and exchange – was replaced with more Blair-friendly values such as unbridled consumerism, private finance initiatives and large cash “loans” for peerages, along with a new emphasis on sounding caring about the environment while actually doing bugger all about it.

With New Labour’s election victory in May 1997 Tony Blair’s Green Credentials were firmly ensconced at Number Ten – behind a desk made from timber taken from a renewable source, and in an office powered solely by the sun shining out of Mr Blair’s backside.

Tony's Green Credentials made their mark on the map by instigating a widespread plan to reduce governmental waste by recycling old Conservative policies such as privatising national assets, mucking up education and the NHS, appointing Home Secretaries who apparently base their moral philosophy on Genghis Khan and allowing cabinet ministers to become embroiled in embarrassing personal and financial scandals.

The unwavering pursuit of the eco-friendly even extended beyond Britain’s borders when, despite evidence to the contrary, Tony's Green Credentials refused to create new foreign policies, instead insisting on using second-hand American policies on waste disposal - largely involving the transportation of metals, explosives and depleted uranium to the Middle East where they were used to recycle buildings into rubble and people into bodybags

Sadly the continuing uncontrolled noxious emissions from cabinet ministers – particularly John Reid, David Millibandand Ruth Kelly – sounded the death knell for Tony Blair’s Green Credentials. When Mr Blair himself refused to accept the disastrous consequences of long-haul flights for the environment, or the unacceptable size of the scandal footprint left by his free holidays at the homes of bland UK pop stars, the Credentials slipped into a coma before being pronounced dead by green activists and Mr Blair's own environment minister.

The service for Tony Blair’s Green Credentials will be conducted at St Sellafield's Holy Roman Reprocessing Plant before being leaked into the Irish Sea.

Tony Blair’s Green Credentials are survived by David Cameron’s solar-powered, hydro-electric windmill and Menzies Campbell’s extraordinary conservation of energy.