04 December 2006

40 Trident Missile Warheads 1990-2006

Sadly for them, the Warheads died with a whimper and not a bang40 of Britain’s Trident Missile Warheads were found dead this morning at Faslane naval base in Scotland. Police believe they took their own lives before receiving a death sentence this afternoon from Prime Minister Tony Blair as he announces the white paper on replacing Britain’s nuclear deterrent.

The Trident Missile Warheads were born in 1990. Despite massive public interest in the infant warheads, they were kept from the public gaze by their reclusive parents, British Nuclear Fuels and the Ministry of Defence in a PR coup said to have inspired Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

Acutely aware of the threat the warheads posed to peace, the British government spent billions of pounds of taxpayers’ money on a secure underground silo near Loch Lomond for the warheads. They were allowed out on educational trips across the Atlantic, but only under armed guard aboard Vanguard class submarines.

Ever under the vigilant gaze of their attendants, the young warheads quickly became frustrated at not being allowed to roam unhindered or to achieve their optimum speed of 12,000 mph ... despite repeated requests to the Royal Navy from Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May, not to mention some of the tabloids' more bellicose feature writers. Eventually the Warhead's frustration turned to anger and they began to spend much of their time with the Vanguards muttering “what you looking at?” to Russian subs, Argentinean fishing smacks and amorous whales.

With the collapse of the Soviet threat in the 90s, many started to feel that Britain no longer needed an expensive nuclear deterrent, and anyway, that job was done far more cheaply by allowing Sellafield to keep leaking radioactive isotopes into the Irish Sea. With calls for decommissioning growing, the Trident Missile Warheads became increasingly withdrawn. Depression sank in as they realised that, despite their ability to make the sky light up brighter than a thousand suns, they would spend the rest of their lives in darkness.

One of the warheads' guardians in happier timesThe warheads will be buried in a lead-lined casket at a top secret service attended by close friends and family including George Bush, Tony Blair and Dr Strangelove.

They are survived by Russian, American, North Korean, Israeli, Indian, Pakistani and Iranian warheads, and hundreds of little warheads back at Faslane asking "When's Daddy coming home?"


Damian said...

Some part of me always wonders if all these warheads exist.

Maybe the supplier just paid off a few people with the right clearance to say that they were supplied, and kept the change. The rest of us, without appropriate clearance would never know until it were... er... too late.

Anonymous said...

Isn't renewing the Trident nuclear missile system,
a) a waste of money;
b) a move away from non-profileration;
c) an encouragement for other nations to agrue for nuclear weapons;
d) all of the above.


http://humanopinion.org/node/294 is having conducting a poll on " Should the UK government renew their Trident nuclear weapons system?"