The Death of Diana, Princess of Wales 1997-2006

A grieving nation was this morning waking to the knowledge that the Death of Diana, Princess of Wales - which has exercised bloggers, newspaper columnists and other members of the personality- disordered classes for the last nine years - has died. According to police accounts Diana's Death was being driven at speed by an Egyptian man drunk on money when it ran completely out of control and crashed into Lord Stevens' inquiry into the circumstances of the late ex-royal's death.

The Death of Princess Diana first came to prominence in 1997 when the ex-wife of heir-to-the-throne and pontificator-in-chief Prince Charles was transformed overnight from a good-looking, rather dim, mother of two and the subject of salacious tabloid gossip and innuendo-laden jokes into a saintly figure of surpassing goodness and victim of an uncaring world by the combination of a tragic accident and a mawkish media. It reached its apotheosis only weeks later when the late Princess was buried in a sea of hypocrisy and appalling Elton John singles by millions of people, all of whom claimed to have some deep personal connection with Diana, despite never having come within a paparazzo's focal-length of her.

Only days after the funeral, members of the police were called to the burial site where they discovered that the Death of Diana had been removed from its grave by a group of men described by witnesses as a "bunch of internet nutters, desperate tabloid editors and Mohamed Al Fayed". The men are understood to have taken the corpse to a laboratory at The Daily Express where they strove desperately to resurrect Diana's death by injecting it with front page headlines and a series of incredible conspiracy theories involving the British security services and the Duke of Edinburgh, including the extraordinary suggestion that (a) the Duke of Edinburgh and (b) the staff of MI6 are capable of performing anything beyond basic bodily functions with sufficient competence to deceive the world's media.

Despite their best efforts the Death of Diana was simply unable to survive in a world where the French police, the British police, a British coroner, Lord Stevens and anyone with a more than passing acquaintance with reality could find no evidence to support a conspiracy theory. It is believed that it was this realisation that drove one of those behind the resurrection attempts to flee with the Death's remains through the busy streets of fantasy land, where a sudden collision with the banal tragedy of reality was to lead to the death of the Death of Diana.

The Death of Diana was buried on Thursday morning. In a moving state ceremony, buried alongside it were several pieces of bad news for the British government, including the decision to drop the SFO inquiry into the Al Yamama arms deal , the axing of thousands of rural post offices and the questioning of Tony Blair by police in relation to the cash for peerages affair.

The Death of Diana was mourned by Mohamed Al Fayed, the Daily Express, Elton John and millions of people who should really find more important things to fill their lives. The Death of Diana is survived by the Death of JFK, the Death of Elvis and the Death of Sanity.