The Office Christmas Party 0-2006

The Office Xmas Party was found dead this morning in a bus shelter with a half-eaten kebab in its hand. It is believed to have died last night after over 2000 years of drinking cheap wine and brightly-coloured cocktails, making multiple copies of its hairy hindparts on the office photocopier and trying to get off with that middle manager in Human Resources finally took its toll.

The Office Xmas Party started its long and hedonistic life in Bethlehem when shepherds and wise men first got together to discuss office politics, have a likeness of their posterior fashioned in clay tablet and then tell that new angel that they’re “really lovely, no really…”

In its youth, the Office Xmas Party was extremely popular with under-serfs, and junior scribes across the land. Much mead was consumed and illustrated manuscripts of apprentice monks’ rear ends are now displayed in the finest museums across the globe.

But it was with the dawn of the industrial age in the 19th century that saw the Office Xmas Party reach the zenith of its popularity. The Guild of Urchins, The Honourable Brethren of Chimney Sweeps and the Associated Pick-Pockets, amongst many corporations, looked forward to their annual works do when they would drunkenly spread scurrilous rumours about their fellow urchins, chimney sweeps and pick-pockets and claim that Master Fotherington in the Clerks office had offered them a sight of his sweetmeats.

In its senior years, however, the Office Xmas Party became tiresome: drunkenly insisting staff exchange presents with people they managed to ignore for the rest of the year, clink glasses with the boss who promised them promotion then gave the job to that talentless idiot from accounts and play pin the tail on the sales chart, spin the stapler and post room knock.

Towards the end of its last night, the Office Xmas Party finally plucked up the courage to tell its new, 21-year-old manager exactly what he thought of him and his new plans for the department, and was immediately fired. Thinking it was just a joke the Office Xmas Party continued to drink, finally staggering away from the building just before midnight, repeatedly muttering “the bastards” under its breath.

The Office Xmas Party had asked to be cremated, but due to its massive intake of alcohol, senior management rejected this request on health and safety grounds. The Office Xmas Party will instead be buried on the third floor of the Marketing Department, in a broom cupboard.

The Office Xmas Party is survived by the New Year’s Eve Party, the Birthday Party and the Wake for the Office Xmas Party which starts at lunchtime in the Secretarial Department where it is expected that staff will drink cheap wine, brightly-coloured cocktails, photocopy their arses and try to get off with that middle manager in Human Resources.