The Guy 1606-2006

The Bonfire Night Guy - that traditional, highly-flammable, stuffed effigy of Gunpowder Plotter Guido Fawkes - passed away today… tomorrow, and especially on Sunday, November the 5th after succumbing to smoke inhalation and horrific third-degree burns. Fire Brigades arriving at the scene of the fire were unable to save The Guy, as they were too busy eating baked potatoes and marshmallows cooked in the embers. Police called to the scene believe the fire may have been started deliberately and issued a statement saying: “Ooh…! Look at the pretty colours…! Whooo…! I love fireworks me…!”

The Guy was born 400 years ago when King James I declared November 5th an annual public holiday. The King and members of both Houses of Parliament celebrated their narrow escape from certain death in 1605's Gunpowder Plot, while their loyal subjects commiserated a parliamentary failure almost as big as House of Commons Speaker Michael Martin .

Since a very early age The Guy has been pushed around in carts and wheelbarrows prior to every Bonfire Night by gangs of children intent on taxing passers-by with the traditional cry of: “A penny for the Guy, you wanker", not to mention "And we want your mobile phone and your trainers too.” After the goods have been fenced, any money remaining from the purchase of cheap booze and drugs is spent on arming themselves with potentially lethal fireworks with which to attack letterboxes, cars, buses, cyclists, cats, dogs, rabbits, hedgehogs, badgers, otters, horses, cows, donkeys, budgies, parrots, ospreys, hamsters, mice, rats and the elderly... before attacking other gangs of kids high on cheap booze and drugs and armed to the teeth with potentially lethal fireworks, the police, the fire brigade and the ambulance which has just arrived to treat their self-inflicted facial wounds and pick up their missing fingers.

The Guy will be cremated this weekend in a private service attended by select friends and family in back gardens, public parks, village fetes and school playing fields across the country. At a special ceremony at Parliament, Home Secretary, John Reid, will commemorate the anniversary by holding The Guy without charge for 28 days before sending it by ceremonial rendition flight to an undisclosed site in Eastern Europe, where it will be hanged, drawn and water-boarded by people who are in no way operating with the connivance of members of the CIA and the Bush administration.

The Guy is survived by The Burning Man, The Wicker Man, The Crazy World of Arthur Brown and Gordon Brown.

As A Dodo advisory: Please don’t forget to keep your cats, dogs and Catholics indoors on Bonfire Night.