08 November 2006

Republican Control of the House 1994-2006

The Republicans' Control died hereThe White House and friends of President Bush's administration were in mourning today following the death of the Republican Party's Control of the House of Representatives, which passed away after contracting a long and destructive illness during an ill-advised foreign business trip to Iraq.

The Republicans' Control was born in 1994, to the surprise of many, no one more so than President Bill Clinton, who was immediately forced to deny he was the father.

Under the guiding hand of Speaker Newt Gingrich (but not in a creepy, Mark Foley guiding hand way), The Republicans' Control quickly found its feet and began bullying Democrat initiatives in the House, picking on the poor and the huddled masses and, in 2000, winning the White House for its sidekick, George W Bush.

After 9/11, The Republicans' Control began its work in earnest with the introduction of the Patriot Act, which required all US citizens to check their civil liberties at the door. Although 2001 was a busy year, The Republicans' Control did find time for an overseas vacation in Afghanistan, where it hoped to be reunited with an old family friend, Osama bin Laden.

Actually it died here, to be preciseHowever, a never-ending series of political and financial scandals left The Republicans' Control weakened and gasping for breath and President Bush’s approval ratings dropped to a dangerous level. Desperate Neocons began an infusion of billions of dollars in a futile bid to stop the decline but to no avail, as Americans began to question The Republicans' Control’s determination to remain in the region despite not having a clear exit programme.

Sadly, a last-minute attempt at foot-in-mouth resuscitation by America’s leading stand-up comedian, John Kerry, failed to revive its health and The Republicans' Control was read the last rites, as it made its peace with God and other prominent backers of the party.

It suffered a series of fatal attacks on Tuesday this week, losing control of South Baghdad, North Baghdad, East and West Baghdad and most of Iraq, while Oliver North, the Republican challenger for the southern state of Nicaragua, lost again to Daniel Ortega.

The Republican’s Control of the House of Representatives will be buried somewhere in the wee small hours of Fox News bulletins. It is survived by Hillary Clinton's Campaign Warchest, a lame-duck President and The Race for the Senate, which is currently going down to the wire ... along with Karl Rove and Donald Rumsfeld.