09 November 2006

Donald Rumsfeld's Political Career 1957-2006

Mr Rumsfeld watching the death of Bambi's motherThe Political Career of Donald Henry Rumsfeld died last night, shortly after a large group of Washington villagers carrying pitchforks and torches arrived outside the White House demanding that President Bush "destroy the monster".

Donald Rumsfeld's Political Career began in 1957 when the young Donald, fresh from Naval service took up a post as Administrative Assistant to a Republican Congressman. Even at the tender age of 25, Donnie's political skills were already burgeoning, as could be seen by the fact his boss was voted out of office just one year later. Undeterred, Donnie went on to other political staff roles before being elected to the House of Representatives in 1962, a position which - unlike the armies he would one day take charge of - he was able to hold untroubled for 7 years.

It was in 1969, however, that the Political Career came into its own when - following an accident in which Donald was fatally injured by the explosion of his own over-inflated ego - Rumsfeld was reconstructed in a secret lab in the Chicago School of Economics. The creature that emerged from that laboratory was hailed as a new Adam by its neo-Conservative creators, a sin against nature by its opponents and "A ruthless little bastard, you can be sure of that" by its new employer, President Nixon.

When, five years later, President Nixon was forced out of the White House as one of the USA's most reviled leaders since King George, it came as little surprise that Mr Rumsfeld's unique talents were recognised by another great statesman, President Gerald Ford. It was under President Ford - who may have been distracted by attempts to walk and chew gum, or perhaps a passing puppy dog, at the time - that Mr Rumsfeld became the youngest ever Secretary of Defense. In 1977 the Ford awarded Mr Rumsfeld the Presidential Medal of Honour. By 1978 Mr Ford had lost an election.

The Political Career makes another smart moveIn the next few years Donald Rumsfeld's Political Career became largely dormant, satisfying its unnatural urges by supplying Saddam Hussein with weaponry and intelligence under President Reagan and selling nuclear equipment to North Korea in accord with the wishes of the Clinton administration.

In the year 2000 Mr Rumsfeld was selected for service by George W Bush. By 2001 he was in charge of the Defence Department once more, readying America's armed forces for the new millennium. His success in transforming the military - in the face of opposition from the dinosaurs at the Pentagon - into a new "light and nimble" force was seen in 2003 when the invasion and pacification of Iraq was carried out by Sergeant Dwight Shergenhauer armed only with a spoon. Sadly Mr Rumsfeld's prediction that the people of Iraq would all spontaneously lay down their arms and burst into hymns of praise for George W Bush and the American way were ruined by the liberal media, the ungrateful families of dead servicemen and those same dinosaur generals at the Pentagon.

The Political Career was usually kept under armed guardWith the war - through no fault of Mr Rumsfeld's - becoming increasingly unpopular, The Political Career was seen stalking the battlements of the Defence Department, committing random appalling acts such as using a machine to sign letters of condolence, torturing the English language during press conferences and Senate hearings and remaining in its post after the Abu Ghraib scandal. With opinion among the public and Washington villagers turning against it, The Political Career was ultimately to end its days by plunging from the roof of the Defence Department. Those first at the scene - Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and George W Bush - all confirm that the death was definitely suicide.

Donald Rumsfeld's Political Career will be buried in a series of lucrative company directorships. It is survived by the knowledge that, with Mr Rumsfeld no longer in charge of America's military, the Rapture is just that little bit further away.