24 November 2006

The Turkey 10,000,000 BC - the last Thursday in November 2006 AD

Too young to die, too ugly to liveThe Turkey, the bird that has - since the collapse of the bald eagle population and the ascendancy of the Bush dynasty - come to symbolise the United States in so many ways, was assassinated yesterday (the last Thursday in November) on a vast array of dining tables across the North American continent. Police say they were powerless to prevent the turkeycide, despite having prior knowledge of the plot.

The Turkey was born into the family Meleagris gallopavo ten million years ago and quickly established itself throughout considerable parts of North America. But it wasn’t until the latter part of its long life that The Turkey first made its mark upon American society, when it established a trading relationship with Native Americans. They provided The Turkey with somewhere extremely warm to roost and The Turkey returned the favour by providing them with food, flights for arrows and feathers for headdresses.

It was with the arrival of the Pilgrim Fathers in 1620 that The Turkey began its meteoric rise to stardom. A year later, the surviving pilgrims celebrated a successful harvest with their new friend The Turkey and gave thanks that they were no longer living in England – a tradition which millions of grateful Americans continue to this day.

In 1863, Abraham Lincoln honoured The Turkey’s popularity with its own annual public holiday called Thanksgiving, where families gathered together to offer thanks to The Turkey for being such a great pal and going so well with candied yams. This was far from the last Presidential honour the bird was to receive.

The Turkey earns his Presidential pardonIn 1947 Harry S Truman instituted the practice of giving The Turkey a presidential pardon, a tradition for which Richard Nixon was later to be extremely grateful.

In 1969, The Turkey became the first bird on the Moon, sharing a meal with Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin. However, Aldrin has never forgiven NASA for selecting Armstrong to open his foil food first, while Armstrong has never lived down his famous slip of the tongue, “Houston, The Turkey has landed.”

In 2000 The Turkey had its finest hour when it was elected 43rd President of the United States. But the once popular bird soon began to lose its loyal following when it stopped talking turkey and became mired in a series of political scandals which many believe led to yesterday's brutal slaying of The Turkey by a lone assailant and 300 million accomplices.

The Turkey was cremated in a slow and moving ceremony, spoilt only by a large family row about who knocked over the gravy boat. In attendance were its close friends stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, succotash and pumpkin pie.

The Turkey is survived by the music of Paris Hilton and the movies of Rob Schneider.