09 October 2006

The Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty 1968-2006

The Treaty went out with a bang The Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty was reduced to a pile of radioactive dust today in a moving ceremony held in North Korea, having passed away suddenly this morning in an explosion brighter than the sun and louder even than the noise George Bush made when he heard about Mark Foley’s emails. The ceremony, whose charming centrepiece was the exploding of a nuclear weapon, was carried out underground, a move necessitated by the fact the North Korean government had already laid waste to most of the country's surface and quite a few of its people.

Born on July 1st, 1968, the Treaty decreed that only the five permanent members of the United Nations Security Council - The USA, Russia, China, Britain and France - would be permitted to possess nuclear weapons. Its astonishing success during its lifetime can be seen from the fact that no other state ever came into possession of such devastating weapons, unless you count India, Israel, Pakistan, any country ever visited by a disgruntled former Soviet nuclear scientist in desperate need of cash to pay off his gambling debts, or Fox News. Many experts believe The Treaty was in poor health for most of its short, 38-year life, though it soldiered on manfully, ignoring persistent nagging problems such as the many countries who refused to sign up to join it despite a suspicious tendency to glow in the dark and produce a surprising number of three-eyed fish.

The funeral was marred by heckling from representatives of the United States who condemned the funeral as “a provocative act”, while senior Republicans proposed reducing global stockpiles of nuclear weapons by launching a pre-emptive strike on Iran, or failing that on Canada for its unilateral production of uranium-enriched Celine Dion albums and its hostile mispronounciation of "aboot". Despite this, few allowed their enjoyment of proceedings to be dimmed, with several nuclear bunker salesmen seen rubbing their hands with glee and dancing jigs with shotgun manufacturers and End Timers getting ready for the Rapture.

The NNPT is survived by irradiated cockroaches and wheelchair-bound Germanic scientists with a weird resemblance to Peter Sellers crying out, "Mein Fuhrer!"


Anonymous said...

North Korea wasn't even signed up to the NNPT. Why all the melodrama? Does it really make any difference that Pyongyang has nukes? Hardly.

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