David Cameron's Tory Conference Speech 2.35pm - 3.22pm 4 October 2006

The political world is in turmoil today following the unexpected and wholly premature death of David Cameron's speech to the Conservative Party Conference. Once seen as the shining hope for both party and country, The Speech's sudden passing leaves behind countless devastated voters and a gleeful Norman Tebbit.

Conceived several weeks ago in an enthusiastic and energetic bout of love-making between Tory leader David Cameron, his spin doctors and large sections of the media, many had expected The Speech to grow up to be a triumphant tour d'horizon, that would see its maker swept to power on a wave of overwhelming enthusiasm. Given the difficulty of producing a wave of anything beyond faltering, Werther's-Original-and-Sanatogen-infused, breath from the aged audience who had gathered in the delivery room to greet it, it is hardly surprising that The Speech's entry into the world did not go well.

Matters worsened for The Speech as attempts to inject it with NHS, gay partnerships and the minimum wage - along with a total failure to administer life-saving tax cuts - by the junior spin doctors overseeing the delivery room caused the unfortunate oration's health to deteriorate more rapidly. With hopes for The Speech fading fast among well-wishers - and several members of the Shadow Cabinet - an emergency crash team of the armed forces, immigration controls and support for marriage were called in but to no avail. By 3.22pm The Speech was pronounced dead ... despite having another twenty minutes yet to go.

The Speech's funeral was attended by an audience of ageing party members, who gave The Speech a lengthy standing ovation after being told they could have tea and biscuits if they did so.

David Cameron's Tory Conference Speech is survived by David Davis, John Redwood, Edward Leigh and an unusually cheery Gordon Brown.