London's Glittering West End 1663-2006

Doctors at St Larry's Hospital have confirmed that London's Glittering West End, known to friends as Theatreland, passed away this evening after being cruelly choked to death by a surfeit of film-to-stage transfers, musicals based on the back catalogues of 1970s pop groups and Andrew Lloyd-Webber.

Born in the aftermath of the Restoration to a fun-loving King Charles II, several playwrights and a large number of extremely willing actresses, London's Glittering West End soon developed into the theatrical centre of Britain ... as well as the scene of many encounters between the aforementioned fun-loving king and willing actresses.

Over the coming years Theatreland was to play host to a varied and astounding range of work from playwrights including Shakespeare, Shaw, Ibsen, Moliere, Pinter, Priestley and Beckett, and performances from such notables as Nell Gwynn, David Garrick, Sarah Bernhardt, Henry Irving, Laurence Olivier, Judi Dench, Peter O'Toole and several productions of Sir John Gielgud's Hamlet in local lavatory cubicles.

Despite its success, the years did not weigh easily on the West End. As time passed it began to suffer the inevitable ailments of age, its heart increasingly affected by fatty deposits of musical theatre. By the 1990s friends began to note that Theatreland's ability to keep up with current events was failing. Increasingly a shadow of its former self, London's Glittering West End became content to sit back and rock gently to the unthreatening strains of 1970's pop groups such as ABBA and Queen and ever more reliant on a diet of pre-digested Lion Kings, Producers and other film-to-stage transfers. Unable even to feed itself properly, it was eventually found choking on a mashed-up production of Dirty Dancing.

The funeral of London's Glittering West End will be attended by Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Ben Elton and several coach parties of confused pensioners under the impression they are at a performance of Les Miserables. Presiding vicar Cameron Mackintosh has confirmed that the ceremony will be in the best possible taste, the coffin being slowly lowered into its grave accompanied by a roller-skating tap routine and Michael Ball's rendition of Boney M's Ra-Ra-Rasputin. The final burial of the West End will take place on Friday, although doctors expect it to be revived in about 20 years time in a wave of ridiculous nostalgia for the noughties.

London's Glittering West End is survived by Andrew Lloyd-Webber, The Musical! (Book by Ben Elton, lyrics by Tim Rice and music by Puccini).