Gordon's Secret Love 1979-2007

We at As A Dodo regret that we must issue yet another of our frequent apologies, this time in respect of the following obituary for the secret love of Gordon Brown for Margaret Thatcher, which appears to have been drafted while our staff member was writing under the influence of Simon Bates.

I wanna talk to you about a guy called Gordon. Gordon was a guy from Scotland. He was a big guy. He was a political guy, a Labour guy. Back in the late 70s Gordon was also a lonely guy. Sure he had his mates in the Labour party, his pals in TV production, but Gordon knew there was something missing in his life. He knew he needed a special lady to love.

But then, in 1979, Maggie walked into his life. When Gordon caught sight of her on the TV, standing outside Downing Street proclaiming the words of St Francis's prayer, he was amazed. Maggie was bold, she was brave and - with the way the sunlight glinted off her helmet of blonde hair and the fires burned in the pupils of her steel-blue eyes - she was beautiful.

But Gordon had a problem. You see, Maggie wasn't popular with the Labour Party. She was the woman every Labour member loved to hate. Gordon knew that he could never speak a word of his love to anyone.

And so the long, painful years of Gordon's Secret Love began. He tried to snatch a glance of her whenever he could, running off into quiet corners to gaze adoringly at the telly as she crushed the unions, defended the Falklands, enriched the yuppies, raised unemployment rates and reduced the welfare state. He couldn't bear to be apart from her.

At last, in '83, Gordon found himself in Parliament, finally able to gaze upon his beloved across the floor of the House of Commons. Yet still he could say nothing. Still he had to pretend to hate the woman he loved so deeply. But at least Gordon now had a new friend, a friend I'll call Tony, to lean on. One night he confessed his Secret Love to Tony. Tony gave him a hug, told him to be brave, told him his secret was safe.

And that's when the biggest blow came. Next thing you know, Tony was doing the rounds of the TV studios and newspapers, telling everyone he could about Tony's deep love of Maggie. Soon Maggie was being seen around town with Tony, hanging on his every word and praising him to the skies. Gordon felt betrayed. He felt a fool.

Gordon tried to hide his hurt. He started wooing a girl called Prudence, journeying into a dark world of fiscal constraints and economic bondage. He also tried to hurt the one he loved. He said Maggie showed "a degree of malice in her conduct about the health service". He accused her of "far-right, far-fetched, far-out dogma". He tried to blame her for all of society's ills. But in his heart of hearts Gordon knew he still loved Maggie.

And then it happened. In 2007, Tony fell off a political cliff. Some say they saw a big Scottish guy called Gordon at the scene, but who knows. What we do know is that Gordon at last felt he could proclaim his love for Maggie to the whole world. Now Maggie was taking tea at Number 10 with Gordon and basking in the light of a thousand camera flashes beside him. Gordon's Secret Love was a secret no more.

And so, for Gordon, for Maggie, and in memory of Gordon's Secret Love I'd like to play you their tune ... Highway to Hell by AC/DC.

Gordon's Secret Love will be buried at the church of Our Iron Lady of the Photo Opportunity. The congregation will be accompanied by the sound of assorted deceased members of both the Labour and Conservative parties revolving in their graves.