Tory London Mayoral Hope 2000-2007

Tory London Mayoral Hope, the oft-thwarted Conservative wish to exercise control over the nation's capital, has expired unfulfilled with the news that journalist, MP and all-star celebrity foot-in-mouth champion Boris Johnson has been chosen to contest next year's London Mayoral elections.

Tory Mayoral Hope, born at the turn of the new century to anxious parents desperate for a healthy new child that would restore a crumb of their former glory, were raised as Steven Norris, the Barry White of the Conservative Party, went toe-to-toe with Labour's own Mayoral Hope, part-time Santa Claus impersonator, Frank Dobson for the shiny new position of Mayor of London.

Yet both hopes were to be dashed as they came up against London's ex-ruler, former Leader of the GLC and part-time herpetologist, Ken Livingstone. Though he had long wandered in the wilderness, writing restaurant columns for the London Evening Standard, after being expelled from the Labour Party he had now returned to claim what he saw as his birthright - the Overlordship of London. With the government's attempts to portray him as an evil newt-stroking villain, lodged in a secret bunker deep beneath County Hall succeeding in making him the most popular martyr in London since Wat Tyler, his victory was assured. As the votes were counted it soon became apparent that Dobson would have to return to his workshop at the North Pole and Norris's plans to emulate the late, great Whittington by "putting the Dick back into London" had detumesced along with Tory Mayoral Hope.

Meanwhile, safely installed in his giant newt-shaped offices on the South Bank, "Red" Ken quickly established himself as a man of the people - unless those people were reporters for the Evening Standard, people with an aversion to falling downstairs at parties, or drivers who wanted to drive through the centre of the city. All the while Tory Mayoral Hope lay dormant waiting for the next election when it would have a chance to field a new candidate against the mighty Ken.

But once again, in 2004, Hope was dashed as Jeffrey Archer was stabbed in the (very moley) back by a pesky perjury case. Reluctantly the Conservatives turned to Steven Norris to (quite literally) woo voters away from Ken. But Labour, increasingly brazen about choosing power over principles, brought Livingstone back into the bosom of the party and Norris (quite literally) limped away, defeated.

The failure of Tory Mayoral Hope left Ken free to implement his masterplan for London, which he continued to remodel in his image, culminating in his most audacious move - a plan to replace London's beloved red Routemaster buses with "the much more modern and efficient" bendy-buses: long and articulated, crawling through the city's bus lanes like... DUN-DUN-DA!!! ...giant red newts...

Despite the chaos and traffic jams caused by these monstrous reptiles, Tory Hope still foundered until new head boy, David Cameron took control of the party and launched a series of wizard wheezes to halt Ken's dastardly plan to turn London into a giant salamander. But his plan to poach former Director General of the BBC, Greg Dyke (after Greg had been grilled, stuffed and roasted by Alastair Campbell) as a Tory London Mayoral Hope backfired, as did his plans to champion Lord Coe, Lord Stevens and shock-jock Nick Ferrari - all of whom politely declined the offer of being the next big Tory Mayoral Hope as they were... erm... washing their hair that year.

And so it was that faced with the prospect of Steven Norris trolling round London kissing babes-in-(his)-arms, Cameron threw the nominations open to all - provided they were willing to fill up party coffers by making their vote via a premium rate phone-line⁽¹⁾. As seven million Londoners rushed to their phones to smash them against the wall in horror, 20,000 nominated Winston Churchill, the Easter Bunny and that really fit bird off that programme... you know the one... while 15,000 of them took leave of their senses and were seduced (possibly quite literally) by the banish bendy-buses banter of Tory Clown Prince, Boris Johnson. Boris immediately declared that "King Newt is dead" before accidentally sleeping with a woman who wasn't his wife, falling off his bicycle and choking on his own foot whilst presenting Have I Got News For You. And with that, Tory Mayoral Hope passed away.

Tory London Mayoral Hope will be buried in the 'king Boris Johnson Church of the Apology to Liverpool. The service will be conducted by Steven Norris (a lay minister) and the congregation will sing hymn 357, XTC's The Mayor of Simpleton.

⁽¹⁾ thus becoming the first Conservative leader to put in place a (literal) poll tax before even becoming Prime Minister.