22 August 2007

Dave “The Windmill” Cameron 1966–2007

Dave “The Windmill” Cameron, “the upper class twit with the upper cut hit”, has finally met his match in the bare-knuckle fighting world of politics after his latest political bout to settle an argument about the poor performance of NHS hospitals ended in a fatal knockout delivered by one of his own backbenchers.

Born in the middle of that most peaceful decade of modern history, the Sixties, young Dave (or “David” as he was nicknamed by his peers(1)) turned his back on the Summer of Love when he won his first trophy, a silver spoon, after returning his midwife’s slap.

His reputation as a belligerent baby preceded him as Dave enrolled at the School of Hard Knocks – or Eton as his peers(2) preferred to call it. Whilst there Dave dealt severely with any challengers, eschewing the Marquis of Queensbury’s rules, saying “hold my tailcoat, mate” and directing his fag - a shadowy figure known only as "Big Boris" - to affix the unfortunate opponents' testicles to the floor of the junior common room with his crumpet toasting fork.

At university Dave's bare-knuckle career continued as he and his famous “Band of Scrapping Toffs”, "The Bullingdon Club", frequently challenged dining rooms, public houses and restaurants to go mano-a-bricko.

After graduating, Dave began throwing his weight around for the Conservative Party. Rapidly establishing a reputation as a quick-footed and handy fighter he rose through the rankings and, despite being tarnished by mentor Norman "Black Eye" Lamont’s defeat in the big-money Black Wednesday prize fight, young Dave eventually fought his way, in 2005, to replace Michael “Bite Yer Neck Off” Howard as all-Conservative champion.

However, a number of high-profile wins against Tony “Fist of God” Blair were followed by a string of defeats - often at the hands of his own MPs - which left the once-proud champion in desperate need of a big win. Staking everything he had, including what was left of his once unassailable authority as Conservative Party leader, he threw down the gauntlet to the NHS. Some mocked Dave for picking an opponent that was already on its last legs and as he stepped into the ring accusing the Government of planning to cut emergency and maternity services in 29 hospitals, all expected the NHS to throw in the (unwashed and blood-stained) towel. Instead it called for its second, Tory backbencher Henry Bellingham MP, who felled Dave with the news that - contrary to Dave's claims - his local hospital had no plans to cut services. Stunned and bloodied, Dave fell to the floor.

Even after so bruising a defeat, however, Dave refused to give in. His characteristic belligerence held out to the last as, bloodied yet unbowed, he accused the Human Rights Act of spilling his pint and looking at his wife, challenging it to fisticuffs "just as soon as I get my breath back". Fortunately for the Human Rights Act, the ambulance from the local NHS hospital was delayed as the driver had been asked to demolish the maternity ward during his tea-break, and so Dave passed away amidst the boos and jeers of his former supporters and the chuckling of David Davis.

Dave “The Windmill” Cameron will be buried at St "Iron" Michael Tyson's Church of the Bitten Ear. As a mark of respect his family have asked that all should fly their solar-powered windmills at half-mast.


Sir James Beiggelschwarz said...

The Tories are certainly on a loser there.

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Love the bits about the ambulance driver "demolishing the maternity unit during his tea-break" and the "windmills at half-mast". Well done!

Will B said...

Ah ha! I missed these. XD

Fatih Nakış said...

:) Fatih Nakış Nakış işleme