Barbie's Pet Dog Tanner 2006-2007

A grief-stricken Barbie was today reported to be locked deep inside her ramshackle mansion on Sunset Boulevard, mourning the death of what was perhaps her last and closest friend, her pet dog Tanner. Neighbours of the reclusive billionairess, once beloved of every little girl's heart,⁽¹⁾ report that yesterday they heard the sound of a single gunshot followed by sobbing long into the night. Representatives of the Los Angeles Police are understood to be investigating.

Who can say why it was that Barbie Millicent Roberts - the former nurse, fashion model, teacher, princess, geisha, top female executive, Hollywood star and astronaut whose smallest fashion choice once sent millions of children⁽²⁾ rushing to the stores - decided to spend her final years with a pet dog? True, the ageing diva had been behaving ever more eccentrically since her unfortunate break-up with off-and-on life-partner Ken⁽³⁾, allegedly becoming involved in a torrid affair with her surf-loving pool boy Blaine and indulging in one-night stands with a series of rugged military men with grasping hands including GI Joe and Action Man. True again, her failure to match the box-office success or tabloid notoriety of the new breed of sassy starlets such as the notorious Bratz girls - two of whom were recently arrested after being found in the back seat of their White RC Cruiser while their driver was under the influence of Tixylix - had led to more and more frequent visits to the plastic surgeon (where her decisions to have her breasts reduced, waist enlarged and head shrunk flew, it must be said, in the face of both modern fashion and the existence of Angelina Jolie). Yet with her many horses, ponies, cats and other pets many were shocked when Barbie's representatives at Mattel announced in 2006 that from now on she would be devoting her time to caring for her new pet dog Tanner and that shock was redoubled when it was learnt that Tanner was such a disturbed animal his favourite pastime was eating his own plastic faeces.

Yet it must be admitted that from the moment she acquired him, Barbie and Tanner were inseparable. Wherever Tanner went Barbie was right behind him, pooper-scooper in one hand ... and feeding bowl in the other. It was this inseparability, rather than his odd eating habits, that was to cause Tanner's downfall for it was while he was accompanying his mistress on a tour of the sweatshops factories of China (happily unconstrained by the sort of Red Tape whose passing was so recently announced in this very organ) that Tanner first showed signs of illness. Bringing her skills as a former veterinary surgeon to bear, Barbie swiftly realised that her pet, though having escaped the toxic effects of the lead-laden fumes from the paint which filled the factory, had ingested an unsafe magnet and would have to be put down. Despite her grief, the 49-year-old former airline pilot leapt into her plane and flew herself and her beloved pet back home, where it is understood Tanner died at the hands of the former sharp-shooting cowgirl.

Tanner will be buried at St Rolf's Plastic Animal Hospital. He is survived by billions of other Barbie accessories, all available at a store near you.

⁽¹⁾ not to mention the hearts of many older women and men with a worrying devotion to the doings of a 29 cm high plastic doll.
⁽²⁾ and those worryingly-devoted adults.
⁽³⁾ rumoured to have been caused by Ken's refusal to "accidentally" release a sex-tape of himself and Barbie in order to get her some coverage in the tabloids.