The whole of Britain will be plunged into darkness tonight following the unexpected death of the Incandescent Light Bulb, burnt out after almost 140 years of service.
Born in the latter part of the 19th century to at least 25 different inventors, all of whom claimed to have been on the scene at the time of its conception, the Incandescent Light Bulb was to brighten up evenings and nights across the globe for more than a century.
Ever eager to please, the Incandescent Light Bulb thrust itself into the world of entertainment. Soon it was adorning the dressing-room mirrors of West End stars and the fronts of the finest cinemas, not to mention adopting a fetching red hue in order to illumine the front windows of several Soho haunts favoured by MPs, judges, top celebrities and sad men incapable of forming a meaningful relationship. Within mere decades it had brought light to the most desolate and depressing places in Britain, including even parts of Blackpool, where "The Illuminations" are ritually celebrated to this day by groups of pensioners high on Stone's Ginger Wine and hen parties high on alcopops.
In the flowering of The Bulb's success lay the seeds of its failure. As it expended ever more energy on banishing the darkness The Bulb found itself cast in the role of profligate planet-destroyer by concerned scientists and economists as well as politicians eager to be seen to do something about climate change without having to, as the case may be, (a) talk to Gordon Brown about tax changes or (b) give up jetting off on fact-finding missions and having swanky official cars driving behind them just out of camera shot on the daily cycle ride to work .
The tide of opinion turning against it, The Incandescent Bulb soon found itself under threat from lower-energy lighting alternatives including compact fluorescent lamps and random acts of arson. Increasingly lonely and unloved, and forced to rely for what little popularity it could retain on the frequent retelling of ever-more-tired jokes about the number of persons required to change it, the Incandescent Light Bulb was eventually to pass away following a collision with the Stern Review on the Economics of Climate Change and Environment Minister David Milliband.
The Incandescent Light Bulb will be buried by new green taxes. The Bulb is survived by cheap flights, millions of TVs left on standby and the energy policy of the United States of America.
30 October 2006
The whole of Britain will be plunged into darkness tonight following the unexpected death of the Incandescent Light Bulb, burnt out after almost 140 years of service.
28 October 2006
People across the globe are holding candlelit vigils today in memory of the Eighth Amendment to the US Constitution, which has died at the age of 217 following an unfortunate incident last night involving Vice President Dick Cheney and a large body of water.
Born in 1789 to the Enlightenment and the Founding Fathers, as a child the Eighth Amendment was a robust and forthright article of the United States Bill of Rights, preventing the infliction of cruel and unusual punishment. Its birth was hailed by freedom-loving peoples across the globe and utterly condemned by torturers, members of the Honourable Guild of Racksmiths and Thumbscrewwrights and dentists.
As it grew the Eighth Amendment stuck to its campaigning path, successfully outlawing drawing and quartering, public dissecting, burning alive and disemboweling, thus helping to maintain the United States' reputation as a bastion of freedom as well as putting a severe crimp on the kind of programmes they can show on the Fox network. Not all was to go well for the Amendment, however. By the 20th century increasing concern was being shown over its behaviour, especially after the discovery of a large collection of really-rather-cruel-and-unusual-seeming equipment for lethal injections, gas chambers and electric chairs was discovered in its back yard. Claims that these were reserved for ceremonial use by state governors seeking the US Presidency were dismissed, especially after it was revealed that the Eighth Amendment was offering 2-for-1 discounts on lethal injections to Texas and was considering a "frequent fryer" scheme for the state of Nebraska.
Despite such questions, the Eighth Amendment was still respected across the globe until the early part of the 21st century, when it suddenly went missing one night after being seen in the company of a balding, white-haired man known to officials only as "Der Weisse Engel" or the "46th Vice-President of the United States". Reports of what happened thereafter become unclear, although some claim to have witnessed the Amendment being bundled onto a secret rendition flight to an unnamed East European torture chamber idyllic village. White House sources, in contrast, insist it had merely gone to stay with its close Uzbek relative Vlotar "Electrodes Up the Jacksie" Tezticklztampuh. In any event it is understood that it was during this trip that the Amendment chose to go for an early morning swim in company with Vice-President Cheney, a large board and several straps. Never a strong swimmer the Amendment fell into difficulty and drowned, despite Mr Cheney's heroic efforts to save it by holding a cloth over its face and repeatedly demanding "Is it safe?"
The Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution will be quietly buried in an unmarked grave somewhere you've never heard of. Anyone wishing to attend the funeral is asked to wear a hood and orange jumpsuit and be prepared for a long flight.
27 October 2006
Many will be saddened to hear of the death of Faith School Quotas, killed whilst travelling in a government vehicle last night.
Born in the early part of 2006, throughout its short life Faith School Quotas cleaved to a simple creed of religious toleration and understanding, insisting that Faith Schools take up to 25% of their pupils from children of different religious backgrounds or no religious background at all. This creed was based on the, perhaps naive, idea that children whose parents belong to different faith groups should occasionally meet each other and perhaps learn something about each other beyond the fact that they are unbelievers who should be wiped from the face of the Earth by (a) the forces of righteousness, (b) the will of the appropriate God and (c) large amounts of explosives.
Tragically, Faith School Quotas died last night, after the government vehicle it was travelling in was involved in a major accident following the decision of its driver, Education Secretary Alan Johnson, to perform a sudden U-turn which resulted in him driving into a sea of religious intolerance. Police are currently interviewing Mr Johnson who it is believed may have been driving under the influence of the Labour leadership contest at the time of the accident.
The funeral will be held on Monday at St Dawkins Church of Unbelief and will be followed by a ceremony of remembrance in which the Archbishop of Canterbury, Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor, the Chief Rabbi, several imams and a couple of Hare Krishna followers will dance upon the grave. Representatives of the Church of Scientology will be on hand to take a collection, then donate it to themselves.
Faith School Quotas are survived by ghettos, crusades, jihads and Old Firm football matches in Glasgow.
24 October 2006
Doctors at St Larry's Hospital have confirmed that London's Glittering West End, known to friends as Theatreland, passed away this evening after being cruelly choked to death by a surfeit of film-to-stage transfers, musicals based on the back catalogues of 1970s pop groups and Andrew Lloyd-Webber.
Born in the aftermath of the Restoration to a fun-loving King Charles II, several playwrights and a large number of extremely willing actresses, London's Glittering West End soon developed into the theatrical centre of Britain ... as well as the scene of many encounters between the aforementioned fun-loving king and willing actresses.
Over the coming years Theatreland was to play host to a varied and astounding range of work from playwrights including Shakespeare, Shaw, Ibsen, Moliere, Pinter, Priestley and Beckett, and performances from such notables as Nell Gwynn, David Garrick, Sarah Bernhardt, Henry Irving, Laurence Olivier, Judi Dench, Peter O'Toole and several productions of Sir John Gielgud's Hamlet in local lavatory cubicles.
Despite its success, the years did not weigh easily on the West End. As time passed it began to suffer the inevitable ailments of age, its heart increasingly affected by fatty deposits of musical theatre. By the 1990s friends began to note that Theatreland's ability to keep up with current events was failing. Increasingly a shadow of its former self, London's Glittering West End became content to sit back and rock gently to the unthreatening strains of 1970's pop groups such as ABBA and Queen and ever more reliant on a diet of pre-digested Lion Kings, Producers and other film-to-stage transfers. Unable even to feed itself properly, it was eventually found choking on a mashed-up production of Dirty Dancing.
The funeral of London's Glittering West End will be attended by Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Ben Elton and several coach parties of confused pensioners under the impression they are at a performance of Les Miserables. Presiding vicar Cameron Mackintosh has confirmed that the ceremony will be in the best possible taste, the coffin being slowly lowered into its grave accompanied by a roller-skating tap routine and Michael Ball's rendition of Boney M's Ra-Ra-Rasputin. The final burial of the West End will take place on Friday, although doctors expect it to be revived in about 20 years time in a wave of ridiculous nostalgia for the noughties.
London's Glittering West End is survived by Andrew Lloyd-Webber, The Musical! (Book by Ben Elton, lyrics by Tim Rice and music by Puccini).
22 October 2006
Bono’s Integrity passed away this week, after an almost 50-year battle with the lead singer of U2. It collapsed and passed away as it was trying to retrieve its Stetson through the courts in Dublin. After forming a close relationship with the singer during the Rattle and Hum tour, the Stetson had tired of Bono’s attempts to mix politics with Christian Rock, and decided to go solo.
Early problems with Bono’s Integrity sadly went unnoticed when, during the 1970s, the teenage singer got his famous nickname from a hearing aid shop in Dublin.
During much of the 80s, Bono’s Integrity persuaded the singer to sport a mullet but, despite the best efforts of doctors, Bono’s Integrity continued to deteriorate as, in the 90s, it began to hobnob with politicians, businessmen and Sting.
Earlier this year, doctors became concerned when Bono’s Integrity participated in a buyout of Forbes magazine – the favourite top-shelf publication of the ultra rich.
Careering out of control, it refused all offers of medical attention, going on to accuse the Irish government of failing to do enough for African debt relief – before moving U2 Ltd to a tax shelter in Holland.
Bono’s Integrity was buried in a private ceremony sponsored by MTV and Apple Computers. Members of the Rock Aristocracy including George Bush, Paul Wolfowitz, Rupert Murdoch and Nana Mouskouri sang some of U2’s classic hits including “Money” by Pink Floyd, “Money, Money, Money” by Abba and Pride (In the Name of Money) by U2.
Bono’s Integrity is survived by his Bono’s Ego and Bono Talking Through His Hat.
12 October 2006
People across the globe will be shocked to learn today of the death of The Veil, which passed away this morning after a series of violent assaults by a selection of government politicians and the British press, led by Jack "Do You Mind Undressing For Me, Love?" Straw.
Though always rather vague about its age, the Veil is believed to have been born some time prior to 1300 BC, when - according to ancient Assyrian gossip columnists - it spent most of its days enjoying face time with noblewomen and most of its night-times hanging around with commoners and courtesans, a practice later to be taken up enthusiastically by British MPs and Premiership footballers.
After several centuries of such debauched behaviour, The Veil eventually decided to reform its ways following a serious of religious experiences. As many of these experiences involved deeply repressed religious men of senior years, The Veil took it upon itself to protect the world from the dreadful nubility of women, covering up their heads and faces lest they viciously inflame the hearts of deeply repressed religious men of senior years - who might happen to be, say, hanging around in alleyways or up ladders outside the women's houses desperate for a glimpse of nose or eyebrow.
Thanks to the sterling work of a range of deeply repressed religious men of senior years, within just a few centuries The Veil became common throughout the Middle East and Europe. Sadly its plans were to backfire, with its mere presence often serving merely to increase the erotic charge in any situation, something The Veil did little to help by going back to its old habits of appearing with erotic dancers and attractive young widows, as well as spending huge amounts of cash on really good eyeliner and mascara. Such mixed messages were ultimately to lead to tragedy, with a generation of teenage boys developing a permanent sexual fixation on Terry Jones after watching Monty Python's Life of Brian.
As the years passed and deeply repressed religious men of senior years began to lose their influence, The Veil started to fall from favour and from faces across Europe and many parts of the Middle East. Soon The Veil found itself increasingly ostracized. Lonely and unloved, it eventually became prey to attacks by unruly gangs, including "The Sun Boys", "The Express Crew" and "The Daily Mail Fear Squad". The incident that was to bring about its ultimate end came last week when it was grabbed by notorious Jack "The Cabinet Minister" Straw and used to bludgeon several fellow gang members in his attempt to win the Deputy Leadership of the group.
The Veil leaves behind many deeply repressed religious men of senior years, hundreds of concerned makers of bridal wear and a lot of very confused liberals.
10 October 2006
As A Dodo can today confirm reports that the 18-month-old videosharing website YouTube has died after being swallowed up by a giant Google whale while paddling in the lawyer-infested waters.
Born in February 2005, from the outset YouTube had a simple mission, to carry video communications from person to person across the waters of the interweb, allowing anyone anywhere in the world to share a little piece of their lives with others by placing their videos on the internet. Few could have predicted how successful YouTube would be in its mission, while even fewer could have predicted that the bits of their lives people wanted to share were bad kung fu demonstrations, dodgy lightsaber work-outs and lip-syncing demonstrations that would shame Milli Vanilli. Even more shocking was the fact that so many people's home videos bore an eery, some would say exact, resemblance to old TV episodes and the latest music videos.
It was as the young internet company was plunging blithely through the notorious sea of Digital Rights Management, Copyright and Trademark Infringements that, laden down with episodes of Lost and Madonna videos, it found itself surrounded by a school of great white media lawyers, eager for the scent of huge litigation dollars. With its attempts to struggle on hampered by several rare episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man and Knight Rider, it seemed certain that YouTube would soon be devoured by the vile creatures but fortunately it was able to swim to what appeared to be a nearby island while the lawyers argued over fee structures. Sadly, however, it appears that the island was in fact merely a killer Google whale. YouTube was swallowed whole.
YouTube was buried in the early hours of this morning, the officiant being a 72-year-old Japanese gentleman who lip-synced to Green Day's American Idiot whilst wearing a Darth Maul costume. It is survived by a vast amount of litigation.
09 October 2006
The Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty was reduced to a pile of radioactive dust today in a moving ceremony held in North Korea, having passed away suddenly this morning in an explosion brighter than the sun and louder even than the noise George Bush made when he heard about Mark Foley’s emails. The ceremony, whose charming centrepiece was the exploding of a nuclear weapon, was carried out underground, a move necessitated by the fact the North Korean government had already laid waste to most of the country's surface and quite a few of its people.
Born on July 1st, 1968, the Treaty decreed that only the five permanent members of the United Nations Security Council - The USA, Russia, China, Britain and France - would be permitted to possess nuclear weapons. Its astonishing success during its lifetime can be seen from the fact that no other state ever came into possession of such devastating weapons, unless you count India, Israel, Pakistan, any country ever visited by a disgruntled former Soviet nuclear scientist in desperate need of cash to pay off his gambling debts, or Fox News. Many experts believe The Treaty was in poor health for most of its short, 38-year life, though it soldiered on manfully, ignoring persistent nagging problems such as the many countries who refused to sign up to join it despite a suspicious tendency to glow in the dark and produce a surprising number of three-eyed fish.
The funeral was marred by heckling from representatives of the United States who condemned the funeral as “a provocative act”, while senior Republicans proposed reducing global stockpiles of nuclear weapons by launching a pre-emptive strike on Iran, or failing that on Canada for its unilateral production of uranium-enriched Celine Dion albums and its hostile mispronounciation of "aboot". Despite this, few allowed their enjoyment of proceedings to be dimmed, with several nuclear bunker salesmen seen rubbing their hands with glee and dancing jigs with shotgun manufacturers and End Timers getting ready for the Rapture.
The NNPT is survived by irradiated cockroaches and wheelchair-bound Germanic scientists with a weird resemblance to Peter Sellers crying out, "Mein Fuhrer!"
08 October 2006
Unbaptised souls throughout the crystal spheres are today mourning the loss of their former home, Limbo. The news comes following the decision of Pope Benedict to abolish Limbo on the grounds (a) that the concept of unbaptised children being forever tainted by original sin is inconsistent with a modern interpretation of the gospels and (b) the feelings of bitterness he has held towards the very word limbo ever since that time he tried to shimmy under a low, low pole in his mitre while on a Sandals holiday in Jamaica.
Limbo was a bleak and lonely place on the borders of reality, free from the torments of Hell such as eternal fires, burning sand and double-glazing salesmen but forever excluded from the delights of heaven, such as being surrounded by devout theists for all eternity. Despite this it proved unpopular with visitors, the only tourists to that place of grim non-existence in the last 2,000 years being Jesus, Dante and anyone who has ever sat down in front of Countdown for more than three minutes.
Despite its unprepossessing aspect, for much of its 2,000 year existence Limbo was home to some of the greatest minds to have existed before the birth of Christ. Its inhabitants included some of the world's greatest poets and thinkers, including Homer and Virgil but sadly not Marge, Bart or Lisa or any other members of the Thunderbirds team. While the unbaptised are said to be distraught at saying goodbye to the only home some of them have known for the past two millennia, other residents of Limbo took the news of Limbo's death philosophically - the residents in question being Plato, Aristotle, Zeno and Socrates. Zeno in particular was untroubled by the news having proved beyond all possible doubt that Limbo could never be destroyed, just as an arrow could never, philosophically speaking, reach its target ... exactly two minutes before Pope Benedict decided to wipe it out of existence.
Limbo is survived by Purgatory, Hell and watching Adam Sandler movies.
05 October 2006
The As A Dodo editorial team wish to apologise for the following obituary. We were unaware at the time of commissioning that the staff member assigned to the task had, in fact, worked for BBC television's "Horizon" programme. It is hoped that, given the importance of the obituary, our readers will forgive the style in which it has been drafted. We have left the author's notes in the text, on the grounds that they supply full explanation for his dismissal.
Scientists in Britain have made a discovery that will transform life across the planet. More than seventy years after they first appeared, Intelligent Science Programmes have died-out across the country. By the end of 2006 scientists predict that they will all be dead, wiped out by a cataclysm that we have done nothing to prevent ... and the world as we know it will come to an end.
Intelligent Science Programmes first appeared on Earth in the time of the dinosaurs in about 1936. The terrible lizards (amphibians?), especially the mighty Tyrannosaurus Reith dominated the television world with their dreadful mission to "inform, educate and entertain", forcing the tiny Intelligent Science Programmes to find an ecological niche (term a bit complex for our audience?) where they had to make difficult things understandable to people without patronising them. Little did they know that only seven decades later they would be facing extinction ... and the possible end of the world.
Thanks to the "selective pressure of their environment" (got this from a text book, should we just say Intelligent Design?), Intelligent Science Programmes soon spread throughout the televisual ecosphere (not sure this means anything but it sounds good) to any place where a spark of brightness could be found: QED on BBC1, Horizon and The World About Us on BBC2, Equinox on Channel 4 and Coronation Street on ITV. Vast Intelligent Science Programming beasts soon arose, with giants such as Dr Jacob Bronowski's Ascent of Man and David Attenborough's Life on Earth battling for the attention of the public and The Royal Institution Christmas Lectures threatening to devour the public's children. But already the Programmes' existence was facing a challenge, a challenge that would see Intelligent Science Programmes wiped out ... and the fate of the world in the balance.
By the mid 1980's a new breed was beginning to dominate the tellysphere (there, that's even better). With the fundamental rules of commissioning science destroyed by light regulation, increasing TV channels and people with media studies degrees (smug bastards, what's wrong with film and design courses?), soon Intelligent Science Programmes were facing competition from new Stupid Science Programmes, such as "The Boy Whose Anus Ate His Brain", "Could Superman Beat Dracula In A Fight?", "Why Cookery Is Dead Clever", "Science Suntan Holiday" and "Da Vinci's Bible Alien Code: The Truth". Scientists across Britain were worried ... could it mean the end of the world?
By the early noughties (ooh-er, sounds rude!) Intelligent Science Programmes were dying out. Many were wiped out completely, while others found themselves evolving (could put off the Creationists?) into new forms. By 2006 confirmation that the last Intelligent Science Programme had dumbed down came with the news that the latest edition of Horizon would feature a comedian and TV personality talking to chimpanzees ... and the end of the world.
Intelligent Science Programmes were buried in a late night slot on some obscure channel where they will never be seen. They are survived by the world ... which will be utterly destroyed ... ... in about 7.5 billion years when it is swallowed by the expanding Sun as it becomes a red giant star. (Too clever, dumb down second draft)
04 October 2006
The political world is in turmoil today following the unexpected and wholly premature death of David Cameron's speech to the Conservative Party Conference. Once seen as the shining hope for both party and country, The Speech's sudden passing leaves behind countless devastated voters and a gleeful Norman Tebbit.
Conceived several weeks ago in an enthusiastic and energetic bout of love-making between Tory leader David Cameron, his spin doctors and large sections of the media, many had expected The Speech to grow up to be a triumphant tour d'horizon, that would see its maker swept to power on a wave of overwhelming enthusiasm. Given the difficulty of producing a wave of anything beyond faltering, Werther's-Original-and-Sanatogen-infused, breath from the aged audience who had gathered in the delivery room to greet it, it is hardly surprising that The Speech's entry into the world did not go well.
Matters worsened for The Speech as attempts to inject it with NHS, gay partnerships and the minimum wage - along with a total failure to administer life-saving tax cuts - by the junior spin doctors overseeing the delivery room caused the unfortunate oration's health to deteriorate more rapidly. With hopes for The Speech fading fast among well-wishers - and several members of the Shadow Cabinet - an emergency crash team of the armed forces, immigration controls and support for marriage were called in but to no avail. By 3.22pm The Speech was pronounced dead ... despite having another twenty minutes yet to go.
The Speech's funeral was attended by an audience of ageing party members, who gave The Speech a lengthy standing ovation after being told they could have tea and biscuits if they did so.
David Cameron's Tory Conference Speech is survived by David Davis, John Redwood, Edward Leigh and an unusually cheery Gordon Brown.
Reports of the death of Online Poker have not, it would appear, been exaggerated. The latest bulletins from those checking Online Poker's failing stock market pulse over the last few days confirm that "OP" - as it was known to its pals - died last night following a surprise attack on Friday by 492
The senators’ attack put a brutal end to a life lived on the edge of and beyond the law in the Wild West of the internet. Born in
It was in its success that the seeds of OP’s downfall lay. Pious churchmen and even more pious online bookmakers, lottery organisers and
The fatal, final attack came on Friday, during a game of draw poker. Having failed to secure its usual seat at the gaming table facing towards the door by means of the usual
bribes lobby payments, OP was just reaching forward to rake easy money off another million hopeless losers when it was shot through the back of the head with three bullets from a .45 amendment to the Safe Port Act.
Online Poker is survived by Online Betting On Horse-Races, Online Lotteries and several trillion pages of internet porn.