Tom Cruise's Major Studio Deal 1992-2006

Tom Cruise’s Major Studio Deal died suddenly this week after a long battle with declining box office returns. Despite the Deal's long illness, Mr Cruise forthrightly rejected all medical assistance for it, citing his deeply held religious beliefs and the difficulty of giving it an injection whilst he was bouncing up and down on its hospital bed.

Tom Cruise's Major Studio Deal came to prominence in 1992 when, desperate to shake off its image as the career of a diminutive, wooden-faced, pretty boy who expressed emotion and character chiefly by alternating between staring silently and shouting maniacally at his co-stars, it persuaded Tom Cruise to sign up with Paramount Studios in a contract that would guarantee him new and varied roles, and vast sums of money.

In the ensuing years these varied roles were to come thick and fast. Who can forget A Few Good Paychecks, in which Tom played a diminutive, wooden-faced military lawyer – expressing emotion and character chiefly by alternating between staring silently and shouting maniacally at his co-stars: “You want the money?! You can’t handle the money! Show me the money!”? Next came Jerry Morewages, with Cruise wittily playing a diminutive, wooden-faced sports agent – expressing emotion and character chiefly by alternating between staring silently and shouting maniacally at his co-stars: “Show me lots of money! So I can give it to the Scientologists! Did I mention I'm Operating Thetan Seven!?” Before long came the lead in top box office blockbuster Mission: Unpayable, with Cruise playing against type as a diminutive wooden-faced spy – expressing emotion and character chiefly by alternating between staring silently and shouting maniacally at his co-stars: “I love her! This sofa will self-destruct in five seconds! Give me more money”.

In recent years, however, it became clear that the health of the Major Studio Deal was unwell. While Tom himself stuck to the task of promoting scientology and acting weirdly on major chatshows, the Deal was often to be found desperately chasing after directors all over Hollywood in search of one more hit. Many saw its eventual decline as inevitable, especially those who sat through War of the Worlds.

Tom Cruise’s Major Studio Deal passed away on Wednesday, leaving all its multi-million dollar fortune to a diminutive, wooden-faced actor, who expressed his deep emotion at the loss chiefly by alternating between staring silently and shouting maniacally at his fellow mourners. Friends of Mr Cruise say he will honour the memory of his deal by continuing to surprise and delight audiences around the world with his ability to stretch himself. His next project is rumoured to be a biopic of Tom Thumb.