British Summer 2006, 1 June 2006-31 August 2006

British Summer 2006 passed away this week after being soaked to the bone and catching a nasty chill in the torrential downpours that characterise the August Bank Holiday weekend. Despite bed rest, complications set in and “Summer”, as she was known to all and sundry, fell into a deep depression before, tragically, cutting short her own life.

Summer was born in June - after a difficult, and extraordinarily prolonged, labour, to Winter 05/06 and Spring 2006. She had a difficult upbringing: while her father was a surprisingly warm individual her mother was generally regarded as unusually cold and wet. It was perhaps as a result of this that Summer decided to throw off the traces with such abandon on leaving home - breaking temperature and sunshine records throughout June and July. But consulting meteorologists at the Red Sky Night Hospital believe this two months of “partying hard” – when she should have been raining on beach holidays in Llandudno and giving under-dressed fell-walkers in the Peak District hypothermia – may have led to her untimely demise.

She was laid to rest this week at St Ulrika's Seaweed Church of Meteorologists. In attendance at the funeral were many distraught friends and family including Wimbledon fortnight, members of the UK Holiday Industry and representatives of all the UK water companies. Global Warming was conspicuous by its absence, claiming to be too busy melting the polar icecaps.

Sadly, Autumn created a scene during the service – complaining that half her work had already been done by Summer 2006. Her brief, but intense, heat had already caused most flowers and plants to wither and die and made many trees across the country shed their browned leaves, while Summer's rains had prematurely ushered in the season of mists and miserable listlessness.

As British Summer 2006 was lowered into the ground, the Rev Michael Fish licked his finger, held it up to the heavens, said a short prayer for clement weather and was immediately blown away by an unexpected Force 12 gale.

British Summer 2006 was descended from a long line of appalling British Summers and is survived by Autumn 2006 and her ungrateful child, Winter 2006/07.