The Veil 1300BC-2006

People across the globe will be shocked to learn today of the death of The Veil, which passed away this morning after a series of violent assaults by a selection of government politicians and the British press, led by Jack "Do You Mind Undressing For Me, Love?" Straw.

Though always rather vague about its age, the Veil is believed to have been born some time prior to 1300 BC, when - according to ancient Assyrian gossip columnists - it spent most of its days enjoying face time with noblewomen and most of its night-times hanging around with commoners and courtesans, a practice later to be taken up enthusiastically by British MPs and Premiership footballers.

After several centuries of such debauched behaviour, The Veil eventually decided to reform its ways following a serious of religious experiences. As many of these experiences involved deeply repressed religious men of senior years, The Veil took it upon itself to protect the world from the dreadful nubility of women, covering up their heads and faces lest they viciously inflame the hearts of deeply repressed religious men of senior years - who might happen to be, say, hanging around in alleyways or up ladders outside the women's houses desperate for a glimpse of nose or eyebrow.

Thanks to the sterling work of a range of deeply repressed religious men of senior years, within just a few centuries The Veil became common throughout the Middle East and Europe. Sadly its plans were to backfire, with its mere presence often serving merely to increase the erotic charge in any situation, something The Veil did little to help by going back to its old habits of appearing with erotic dancers and attractive young widows, as well as spending huge amounts of cash on really good eyeliner and mascara. Such mixed messages were ultimately to lead to tragedy, with a generation of teenage boys developing a permanent sexual fixation on Terry Jones after watching Monty Python's Life of Brian.

As the years passed and deeply repressed religious men of senior years began to lose their influence, The Veil started to fall from favour and from faces across Europe and many parts of the Middle East. Soon The Veil found itself increasingly ostracized. Lonely and unloved, it eventually became prey to attacks by unruly gangs, including "The Sun Boys", "The Express Crew" and "The Daily Mail Fear Squad". The incident that was to bring about its ultimate end came last week when it was grabbed by notorious Jack "The Cabinet Minister" Straw and used to bludgeon several fellow gang members in his attempt to win the Deputy Leadership of the group.

The Veil leaves behind many deeply repressed religious men of senior years, hundreds of concerned makers of bridal wear and a lot of very confused liberals.

YouTube 2005-2006

As A Dodo can today confirm reports that the 18-month-old videosharing website YouTube has died after being swallowed up by a giant Google whale while paddling in the lawyer-infested waters.

Born in February 2005, from the outset YouTube had a simple mission, to carry video communications from person to person across the waters of the interweb, allowing anyone anywhere in the world to share a little piece of their lives with others by placing their videos on the internet. Few could have predicted how successful YouTube would be in its mission, while even fewer could have predicted that the bits of their lives people wanted to share were bad kung fu demonstrations, dodgy lightsaber work-outs and lip-syncing demonstrations that would shame Milli Vanilli. Even more shocking was the fact that so many people's home videos bore an eery, some would say exact, resemblance to old TV episodes and the latest music videos.



It was as the young internet company was plunging blithely through the notorious sea of Digital Rights Management, Copyright and Trademark Infringements that, laden down with episodes of Lost and Madonna videos, it found itself surrounded by a school of great white media lawyers, eager for the scent of huge litigation dollars. With its attempts to struggle on hampered by several rare episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man and Knight Rider, it seemed certain that YouTube would soon be devoured by the vile creatures but fortunately it was able to swim to what appeared to be a nearby island while the lawyers argued over fee structures. Sadly, however, it appears that the island was in fact merely a killer Google whale. YouTube was swallowed whole.

YouTube was buried in the early hours of this morning, the officiant being a 72-year-old Japanese gentleman who lip-synced to Green Day's American Idiot whilst wearing a Darth Maul costume. It is survived by a vast amount of litigation.

The Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty 1968-2006

The Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty was reduced to a pile of radioactive dust today in a moving ceremony held in North Korea, having passed away suddenly this morning in an explosion brighter than the sun and louder even than the noise George Bush made when he heard about Mark Foley’s emails. The ceremony, whose charming centrepiece was the exploding of a nuclear weapon, was carried out underground, a move necessitated by the fact the North Korean government had already laid waste to most of the country's surface and quite a few of its people.

Born on July 1st, 1968, the Treaty decreed that only the five permanent members of the United Nations Security Council - The USA, Russia, China, Britain and France - would be permitted to possess nuclear weapons. Its astonishing success during its lifetime can be seen from the fact that no other state ever came into possession of such devastating weapons, unless you count India, Israel, Pakistan, any country ever visited by a disgruntled former Soviet nuclear scientist in desperate need of cash to pay off his gambling debts, or Fox News. Many experts believe The Treaty was in poor health for most of its short, 38-year life, though it soldiered on manfully, ignoring persistent nagging problems such as the many countries who refused to sign up to join it despite a suspicious tendency to glow in the dark and produce a surprising number of three-eyed fish.

The funeral was marred by heckling from representatives of the United States who condemned the funeral as “a provocative act”, while senior Republicans proposed reducing global stockpiles of nuclear weapons by launching a pre-emptive strike on Iran, or failing that on Canada for its unilateral production of uranium-enriched Celine Dion albums and its hostile mispronounciation of "aboot". Despite this, few allowed their enjoyment of proceedings to be dimmed, with several nuclear bunker salesmen seen rubbing their hands with glee and dancing jigs with shotgun manufacturers and End Timers getting ready for the Rapture.

The NNPT is survived by irradiated cockroaches and wheelchair-bound Germanic scientists with a weird resemblance to Peter Sellers crying out, "Mein Fuhrer!"

Limbo 0-2006

Unbaptised souls throughout the crystal spheres are today mourning the loss of their former home, Limbo. The news comes following the decision of Pope Benedict to abolish Limbo on the grounds (a) that the concept of unbaptised children being forever tainted by original sin is inconsistent with a modern interpretation of the gospels and (b) the feelings of bitterness he has held towards the very word limbo ever since that time he tried to shimmy under a low, low pole in his mitre while on a Sandals holiday in Jamaica.

Limbo was a bleak and lonely place on the borders of reality, free from the torments of Hell such as eternal fires, burning sand and double-glazing salesmen but forever excluded from the delights of heaven, such as being surrounded by devout theists for all eternity. Despite this it proved unpopular with visitors, the only tourists to that place of grim non-existence in the last 2,000 years being Jesus, Dante and anyone who has ever sat down in front of Countdown for more than three minutes.

Despite its unprepossessing aspect, for much of its 2,000 year existence Limbo was home to some of the greatest minds to have existed before the birth of Christ. Its inhabitants included some of the world's greatest poets and thinkers, including Homer and Virgil but sadly not Marge, Bart or Lisa or any other members of the Thunderbirds team. While the unbaptised are said to be distraught at saying goodbye to the only home some of them have known for the past two millennia, other residents of Limbo took the news of Limbo's death philosophically - the residents in question being Plato, Aristotle, Zeno and Socrates. Zeno in particular was untroubled by the news having proved beyond all possible doubt that Limbo could never be destroyed, just as an arrow could never, philosophically speaking, reach its target ... exactly two minutes before Pope Benedict decided to wipe it out of existence.

Limbo is survived by Purgatory, Hell and watching Adam Sandler movies.

Intelligent Science Programmes on British Television 1936-2006

The As A Dodo editorial team wish to apologise for the following obituary. We were unaware at the time of commissioning that the staff member assigned to the task had, in fact, worked for BBC television's "Horizon" programme. It is hoped that, given the importance of the obituary, our readers will forgive the style in which it has been drafted. We have left the author's notes in the text, on the grounds that they supply full explanation for his dismissal.

Scientists in Britain have made a discovery that will transform life across the planet. More than seventy years after they first appeared, Intelligent Science Programmes have died-out across the country. By the end of 2006 scientists predict that they will all be dead, wiped out by a cataclysm that we have done nothing to prevent ... and the world as we know it will come to an end.

Intelligent Science Programmes first appeared on Earth in the time of the dinosaurs in about 1936. The terrible lizards (amphibians?), especially the mighty Tyrannosaurus Reith dominated the television world with their dreadful mission to "inform, educate and entertain", forcing the tiny Intelligent Science Programmes to find an ecological niche (term a bit complex for our audience?) where they had to make difficult things understandable to people without patronising them. Little did they know that only seven decades later they would be facing extinction ... and the possible end of the world.

Thanks to the "selective pressure of their environment" (got this from a text book, should we just say Intelligent Design?), Intelligent Science Programmes soon spread throughout the televisual ecosphere (not sure this means anything but it sounds good) to any place where a spark of brightness could be found: QED on BBC1, Horizon and The World About Us on BBC2, Equinox on Channel 4 and Coronation Street on ITV. Vast Intelligent Science Programming beasts soon arose, with giants such as Dr Jacob Bronowski's Ascent of Man and David Attenborough's Life on Earth battling for the attention of the public and The Royal Institution Christmas Lectures threatening to devour the public's children. But already the Programmes' existence was facing a challenge, a challenge that would see Intelligent Science Programmes wiped out ... and the fate of the world in the balance.

By the mid 1980's a new breed was beginning to dominate the tellysphere (there, that's even better). With the fundamental rules of commissioning science destroyed by light regulation, increasing TV channels and people with media studies degrees (smug bastards, what's wrong with film and design courses?), soon Intelligent Science Programmes were facing competition from new Stupid Science Programmes, such as "The Boy Whose Anus Ate His Brain", "Could Superman Beat Dracula In A Fight?", "Why Cookery Is Dead Clever", "Science Suntan Holiday" and "Da Vinci's Bible Alien Code: The Truth". Scientists across Britain were worried ... could it mean the end of the world?

By the early noughties (ooh-er, sounds rude!) Intelligent Science Programmes were dying out. Many were wiped out completely, while others found themselves evolving (could put off the Creationists?) into new forms. By 2006 confirmation that the last Intelligent Science Programme had dumbed down came with the news that the latest edition of Horizon would feature a comedian and TV personality talking to chimpanzees ... and the end of the world.

Intelligent Science Programmes were buried in a late night slot on some obscure channel where they will never be seen. They are survived by the world ... which will be utterly destroyed ... ... in about 7.5 billion years when it is swallowed by the expanding Sun as it becomes a red giant star. (Too clever, dumb down second draft)

David Cameron's Tory Conference Speech 2.35pm - 3.22pm 4 October 2006

The political world is in turmoil today following the unexpected and wholly premature death of David Cameron's speech to the Conservative Party Conference. Once seen as the shining hope for both party and country, The Speech's sudden passing leaves behind countless devastated voters and a gleeful Norman Tebbit.

Conceived several weeks ago in an enthusiastic and energetic bout of love-making between Tory leader David Cameron, his spin doctors and large sections of the media, many had expected The Speech to grow up to be a triumphant tour d'horizon, that would see its maker swept to power on a wave of overwhelming enthusiasm. Given the difficulty of producing a wave of anything beyond faltering, Werther's-Original-and-Sanatogen-infused, breath from the aged audience who had gathered in the delivery room to greet it, it is hardly surprising that The Speech's entry into the world did not go well.

Matters worsened for The Speech as attempts to inject it with NHS, gay partnerships and the minimum wage - along with a total failure to administer life-saving tax cuts - by the junior spin doctors overseeing the delivery room caused the unfortunate oration's health to deteriorate more rapidly. With hopes for The Speech fading fast among well-wishers - and several members of the Shadow Cabinet - an emergency crash team of the armed forces, immigration controls and support for marriage were called in but to no avail. By 3.22pm The Speech was pronounced dead ... despite having another twenty minutes yet to go.

The Speech's funeral was attended by an audience of ageing party members, who gave The Speech a lengthy standing ovation after being told they could have tea and biscuits if they did so.

David Cameron's Tory Conference Speech is survived by David Davis, John Redwood, Edward Leigh and an unusually cheery Gordon Brown.

Online Poker 2000-2006

Reports of the death of Online Poker have not, it would appear, been exaggerated. The latest bulletins from those checking Online Poker's failing stock market pulse over the last few days confirm that "OP" - as it was known to its pals - died last night following a surprise attack on Friday by 492 US senators desperately in search of mid-term re-election.

The senators’ attack put a brutal end to a life lived on the edge of and beyond the law in the Wild West of the internet. Born in Britain, after a youth in which it quickly learned how to take candy from babies, OP soon went on to parting fools from their money – preferably thousands of fools from lots and lots of money. Soon it was striding into gathering places across the web offering the chance to lose vast amounts of cash without ever having to enter a seedy bar or meet the men who planned to break your legs.

It was in its success that the seeds of OP’s downfall lay. Pious churchmen and even more pious online bookmakers, lottery organisers and Las Vegas casino-owners were driven to condemn the wicked-ways of this dastardly out-of-towner. By the spring of 2006 they had clubbed together to hire the services of one of the most notorious gangs in all of the United States – the Capitol Hill Mob.

The fatal, final attack came on Friday, during a game of draw poker. Having failed to secure its usual seat at the gaming table facing towards the door by means of the usual bribes lobby payments, OP was just reaching forward to rake easy money off another million hopeless losers when it was shot through the back of the head with three bullets from a .45 amendment to the Safe Port Act.

Online Poker is survived by Online Betting On Horse-Races, Online Lotteries and several trillion pages of internet porn.