The French Presidential Elections 2007-2007

The As A Dodo Editorial Staff would like to thank noted man of French letters French man of letters Jacques Derigueur for penning the following obituary for this year's French Presidential Elections, which passed away yesterday. Sadly, having read the piece, we feel unable to do so.

Ah oui. Today la belle Marianne, symbol of our great country, lies back in her bed, exhausted, satiated, as she ponders the deep mystery that has passed between her and the French Presidential elections.

Where did it all begin? Let me, like Proust, savour for a moment a tea-soaked morsel of madeleine and be invaded by the sudden pleasure of memory. I can picture the scene even now: it was but a few weeks ago that Marianne found herself in peril. While perfidious John Bull sunned himself in the light of his economic stability, poor Marianne was left to skulk in the shade, afflicted by high unemployment and sporadic rioting, with only the consolation of her appallingly high living standards, her superb health service, her generous pensions, her thriving intellectual culture, her low divorce rate, her good food, her shorter working hours but higher productivity, her still-extant automotive industry, her extensive support for the arts, her excellent education system not yet wholly devoted to utilitarian ends and her football team capable of reaching World Cup Finals.

Can we be surprised that Marianne was feeling a certain ennui? Oh yes, she had a lover, but Jacques Chirac was not the man he once was. No longer was he the smooth-talking former Mayor of Paris with a devilish look in his eye and an impressively large amount of funds in his pocket. Now he was bent by age (not to mention the prospect of some interesting times ahead in the courts to deal with that impressive trouser bulge) and no longer capable of satisfying Marianne's needs. What could she do but look elsewhere?

Soon she found herself being courted day and night by her would-be lovers. Swiftly she rejected the attentions of Jean Marie Le Pen, having tired of his far-right ways (not to mention his chat-up line "Vous avez des origines françaises? Pourquoi pas une descendance français?"⁽¹⁾) during their last dalliance in 2002. Next she refused the protestations of desire from stolid centrist farmer François Bayrou ... largely due to his being so boring that she continually fell asleep while he stolidly made love to her.

And so the people of France waited with bated breath as Marianne was forced to make her choice between her two remaining suitors: the dashing Nicolas Sarkozy, eager to open Marianne's eyes to the dark and sensual pleasures to be found in fiscal fetters and a firm hand, and the striking Ségolène Royal, keen to spend her way to Marianne's heart. In the end there could be only one choice, with Marianne unable to bear the thought of her new love not being able to get half-way through a treaty-signing without all the assembled French men attempting to pinch her bottom, she had no alternative but to turn away from Ms Royal and settle down to make love, tout fou, tout passionné with M. Sarkozy and his mighty water cannon.

And so, my English friends, the deed is done and L'Élection Presidentielle Françaises 2007 have passed away. Marianne has her new lover and only one question yet to decide: who will be doing the screwing and who is about to get screwed?

The As A Dodo Editors add: The French Presidential Elections 2007 passed away on 6 May. They will be buried, along with Jacques Chirac's political career, just as soon as the funeral cortège can make it through the traffic jam at the Arc de Triomphe and the attendees end their strike calling for increased crematorium regulation and a minimum three bottles of 1982 Chateau Lafite per mourner.

⁽¹⁾ "Do you have any French in you? Would you like some?"