23 March 2007

Sony Playstation 3 Hype 2005-2007

Unsold PS3s The Sony Corporation's hyping of its Playstation 3 Console (the European version of which is not dead, contrary to foolish and wholly erroneous reports to that effect) has finally expired, trampled under the feet of the hordes of up to five or six sad and lonely nerds early adopters who gathered outside stores last night desperate to be the first - outside Japan, North America, Canada, Hong Kong, China, Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Italy and South Africa - to own the new gaming machine.

PS3 boomerang controllerSony Playstation 3 Hype was born on 16 May 2005, delivered at the Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles to a beaming Sony Corporation and a bemused gaming press, all of whom politely refused to remark on the console's George Foreman "Lean Mean Grilling Machine"-styling or the hideously deformed, banana-shaped appendages which served as its joypads - at least until they got outside the conference hall.

While The Hype's proud parents were quick to praise its every move, others were more doubtful. While other "next-generation" consoles like the Xbox 360 delivered a diet of car-jacking and shooting to alienated teens across America or, like the NIntendo Wii, were flying into the screens of the worlds TVs, the Playstation 3 seemed to have difficulty even taking its first step. Soon rumours were circulating that the oversized machine was in fact the product of a nuclear accident and that it had first emerged from the Pacific Ocean intent on destroying Tokyo ... or at least that part of it owned by the Sony Corporation.

Despite the attacks, the Hype struggled on as Sony pointed to its new machine's exciting network functions, which weren't as remarkable as the Xbox 360's, exciting motion-sensing controllers, which weren't as remarkable as the Nintendo Wii's and exciting Blu-Ray functions, which weren't as remarkable as its sky-high price.

Even The Hype's best efforts were to no avail. As it crawled from country to country it left in its wake shelf after shelf of unsold Playstation 3 consoles and red entry after red entry in Sony's balance books. When it finally arrived on Britain's shores it was greeted, not with the love it craved from the news and gaming media but with a wave of apathy and the odd appearance as a filler item on BBC News 24. Starved of support, it expired on the floor of London's Virgin Mega Store - with even its death failing to garner any significant publicity or sales.

Sony Playstation 3 Hype will be buried at St Mario's Church. The service will include The Hype's favourite hymn, number 378 "Jesu, lover of my console". It is survived by a pile of unsold Sony consoles and some very happy rival manufacturers.

1 Comment:

james higham said...

You've done it again, boys. The Playstation is hideous in the extreme.