12 February 2007

David Cameron's Squeaky-Clean Image 2005-2007

Dave says 'High', I mean 'Hi' David Cameron's Squeaky Clean Image inhaled its last breath, exhaled very slowly, said "Wow!" and expired this weekend following his refusal to deny claims in a new biography that he smoked cannabis while he was a pupil at Eton 25 years ago.

"Dave"'s Squeaky Clean Image was born in 2005, the offspring of a coterie of Eton chums united by a desire to mark the end of the dark days of Michael Howard's leadership which had, strangely, drained the lifeblood out of the party. Their far-out plan to fill the vacuum in the centre ground of British politics left by Labour's spritely trot to the right under Tony Blair was initially dismissed as the kind of nonsense that could only have been dreamed up en route to the all-night garage for a couple of Twix bars and those "chocolate things with the nuts on them, you know the ones".

The Squeaky Clean Image was soon sullied during its leadership campaign when it refused to deny that it had taken class-A drugs at university, with fellow alumni insisting that it had had "a normal university experience" - saving money from its grant by buying almost-past-ther-sell-by-date goods in the supermarket in order to be able to afford a bag of grass for the weekend which would, inevitaby, turn out to be parsley.

Despite this setback the Squeaky Clean Image quickly established itself as a lively presence in British politics, cycling through the streets of West London in vibrant day-glo colours and campaigning for home-owners to erect green windmills on their roof so that we could "all look at the pretty colours turning in the wind, man".

But it was the Squeaky Clean Image's adoption of Old Labour policies - most recently the decision to fight the imposition of ID cards - that led critics to suspect that the smoke coming from Conservative Party HQ wasn't the result of Margaret Thatcher spinning rapidly in her grave, but was the natural by-product of the enormous bong the young Tory policy wonks fired up each morning for inspiration.

Despite Tory leaders' traditional association with powerful intoxicants - Winston Churchill lived on a champagne and whisky drip, Margaret Thatcher's "vitamin injections" kept her in a state of hawk-like readiness for 22 hours a day and Michael Howard never slept at night at all - the hot knives were out for DC's Squeaky Clean Image once news of his teenage reefer madness was splashed across the front pages of the Sunday newspapers. The Squeaky Clean Image called for the right to a past that is private, thus immediately promising a future that is far too public for comfort. Friends and colleagues rallied around but when Norman Tebbit told him to come clean - in that way only he, and certain black site interrogation operatives, can - David Cameron's Squeaky Clean Image sniffed its last.

David Cameron's Squeaky Clean Image will be cremated in an environmentally-friendly, and very High Anglican service, at St Withnail's Church of the Camberwell Carrot. There will be a public memorial service, group hug and rave at Glastonbury this summer. It is survived by David Cameron's Youthful Indiscretions and the increasingly irrational ramblings of Tony Blair.


Bridge xxx said...

Now I think about it, why am I imagining him talking about obscure hip-hop and smoking banana skins like the stoners I used to know in my Chemistry class?

Colin Campbell said...

Damned as you do, damned if you don't when it comes to contemporary politicians and drugs. We know they are all pants on fires anyway, so no dramas mate. On to the next important issue, like which football team do you support.

james higham said...

R.I.P. innocence. By the way, I stole your header for the Blogfocus. Sorry, lads.

The As A Dodo Team said...

Don't worry James! Thanks for featuring us.

Reactionary Snob said...

Great stuff - James tipped me off to this site. I shall be returning.

Keep up the good work.