Tony Blair's Nuclear Plans 2005-2007

Tony Blair’s Nuclear Plans have emitted their last after a titanic struggle with Greenpeace led the High Court to rule that plans to build a new series of reactors were “unlawful” and that the Government's consultation process was “misleading”, “seriously flawed” and led everyone else to rule they were "absolutely typical".

The Government having sat down with the nation in 2003, talked things through and decided not to give birth to nuclear power - despite the attractions of having someone to look after one's energy needs in old age - because of all the mess it would cause, Tony Blair’s Nuclear Plans were a surprise birth in late 2005. The surprise was particularly great as the Prime Minister had faithfully promised the nation that he would have his nuclear power generating organs tied up in a lengthy consultation process.

Following the birth Mr Blair was quick to assure the, still startled, country that his new progeny would close the country’s “energy gap” and conveniently reduce carbon emissions as well as helping turn Britain into a world leader for three-eyed fish and glow-in-the-dark seaweed.

Despite Mr Blair's pride in his offspring, as the Plans grew older and their power leaked dangerously across the country, the High Court was surrounded by angry and terrified members of Greenpeace armed with hemp-woven pitchforks, torches knitted from muesli and some of the best lawyers money can buy, demanding an urgent judicial review.

With Greenpeace warning that the success of the Plans might plunge the nation into a nuclear nightmare in which schools, hospitals and even civil liberties might be laid waste, the High Court - after wondering whether anyone would notice the difference - ordered that the knot in the Prime Minister's enormous desire for a nuclear legacy be re-tied.

Tony Blair’s Nuclear Plans will be buried in a lead-lined coffin in the graveyard of St Sellafield Church of the Poisoned Sea, from which they will arise just as soon as the Government can fake another consultation. The service will be conducted by a two-headed vicar. Hymns will include “When Irish Eyes Are Glowing” and "There Is a Luminous Green Sheep Far Away".

Tony Blair’s Nuclear Plans are survived by Tony Blair’s complete refusal to listen to anyone except himself.