13 July 2007

The Queen's Loss of Sang Froid 11 July 2007-12 July 2007

A worried nation was today gathered before the gates of Buckingham Palace, awaiting news of The Queen's Loss of Sang Froid, which is understood to have passed away yesterday during an official statement from the British Broadcasting Corporation.

The Queen's Loss of Sang Froid was born on 11 July 2007 in front of a select gathering of journalists in a small screening room at the BBC. The birth was overseen by BBC1 Controller Peter Fincham. Sadly - perhaps owing to a brief flashback to his terrible time taking fire in the BBC trenches after his decision to commission a chat show starring Davina McCall - it appears that Mr Fincham became distracted during the birth and failed to notice that a large section of questionably edited videotape, appearing to show Her Majesty storming out of a photo-session with the acclaimed photographer Annie Leibowitz after being asked to remove her tiara, had become wound round the baby's neck.

All present were so horrified by the result - which seemed to reveal Her Majesty the Queen acting in a manner more befitting of a mere human being than a head of state(1) - that they immediately ran off to their editors and producers demanding that front pages be cleared and tops of the bulletins be emptied to make space for their astonishing and vital news story.

And yet, despite the eagerness of the press, The Loss of Sang Froid was too sickly to live. By the time Mr Fincham at last discovered the presence of the deceptively edited videotape and informed the nation of his error The Loss of Sang Froid had already passed away and The Queen's Sang Froid - that calm, determined and unsmiling manner so beloved of the British people and press (save when they are all threatening to rise up and destroy the monarchy unless she shred her clothes and beat her breasts in memory of Diana, Princess of Wales) - was restored.

The Queen's Loss of Sang Froid will be buried in St Tabloid's Church of the Low Media Standards between the grave of the Unknown Fact-Checker and the rapidly revolving tomb of Lord Reith. At the same time the BBC will enact the Ceremony of the Rolling Heads, in which an utterly blameless producer in BBC radio and a couple of low-paid writers will be fired for the delectation of the media, while the mysterious figure at the independent production company who thought it would be a good idea to sex-up their dull royal documentary by splicing together a dodgy edit will be granted a £500K bonus and three new commissions for BBC1.

The Queen's Loss of Sang Froid is survived by a media that thinks it is a scandal to suggest Her Majesty might have a hissy fit but sees no problem whatsoever with suggesting that MMR causes autism, global warming is not manmade, wi-fi technology can cause allergies and that the best solution to illness and disease is a couple of drops of water from a homoeopath or a diet based solely on walnuts and chinchilla droppings.

(1) Our American readers are at this point advised that the British still retain the quaint custom of believing, however erroneously, that the head of state should not conduct themselves in the manner of a belligerent chimpanzee.(2)
(2) or indeed, given William Jefferson Clinton's performance in the role, a sex-starved bonobo.


L.S said...

Good stuff.
What really hurts inthis matter is the nasty way it was pasted together on film and then gushed and rushed to the press. The Beeb is independent but smacks a bit too much of the muck raker. It is easy to see that the muck starts at the top.

Colin Campbell said...

This story stopped the presses here i n the centre of Australian Anti Republicanism. The fact that her majesty was capable of acting in a human manner was considered extremely newsworthy.

All Praise to Her Majesty. You must have been having a bad day.

On behalf of all South Australians

bohémienne said...

Say it ain't so! A human reaction! The end of the world as we know it.