A Simple Cup of Coffee c. 9th Century-2007

A Simple Cup of Coffee has been drained from its simple cup for the last time after being swamped by the planet's unchecked demand for increasingly baroque and bastardised coffee hybrids including frappaccinos, mochaccinnos and latteccinos served by overworked East Europeans and South East Asians living in eternal fear of being docked pay for failing to say "Have a nice day" with the proper company-approved sincere expression.

A Simple Cup of Coffee was first brewed from the roasted beans of the coffee plant in Ethiopia in the 9th century, proving so stimulating that, after drinking just one cup, coffee exporters stayed up for six straight months, only falling asleep after flogging gallons of the new beverage as far as Egypt and Yemen.

After expanding steadily throughout the Middle East and thus helping to promote the calm and relaxed attitude which pervades the region even to this day, by the 17th century the new brew had reached Europe, with the Dutch in particular enjoying the benefits of increased blood pressure and heart rate of A Simple Cup of Coffee in their world-famous coffee houses, so much so that they were soon forced to start taking massive tokes on the nearest available spliff to calm themselves down.

Soon London merchants were gathering to discuss shipping news in Lloyd’s Coffee House, where their massive intake led them to become so excited that they set up a whole stock market, whose vast profits were able to fund the expansion of the British Empire as well as allowing the traders to afford ever greater quantities of their favourite stimulants, thus encouraging major South American exports... and several coffee growers as well.

The practice of stumbling from one’s bed half-dumb with fatigue towards the stove to brew up an energising cup spread to the New World – but not until the third cup of coffee had hit the spot. Indeed, the American War of Independence was started by the craze for a good cup of mud after jittery Bostonians rejected a shipment of tea, angrily throwing it into the harbour – even though the water wasn’t boiling and they hadn't added the milk first.

Soon the world was enslaved by this narcotic drink, with only a few plucky Britons holding out against its tyranny – preferring a refreshing beverage made with just dried leaves and boiling water... plus a large side order of gin. But as the British Empire crumbled and Britain’s rightful role as a leading world power began to fade, even this bastion of tea-drinking limeys succumbed to the great roasted flavour and became a nation of coffee-heads thanks to A Simple Cup of Coffee's addictive allure and the persuasive powers of the late actor and item of celebrity rhyming slang Gareth Hunt’s dubious wrist gesture.

But even as Britons began to crave a cup of the hard stuff in the mornings, Americans were growing tired of A Simple Cup of Coffee and began experimenting with new ways of ingesting their favourite drug, mixing it with cold sugary colas, adding it to the water supply and cross-breeding it with flavoured syrups and giving it faux Italian names with the suffix -ccino.

The fatal blow was dealt this week with the introduction of Shower Shock soap, which releases the same amount of caffeine into the bloodstream as a couple of cups of coffee – as you lather yourself in the shower to achieve that just scrubbed roasted fresh smell in the mornings. Appalled at the news, A Simple Cup of coffee expired in a wave of bitter suds.

A Simple Cup of Coffee will be buried at the St Arbucks Church of the Decaf Super Grande Skinny Mochalattefrappaespressoccino. The service will be conducted by Gunther from Friends. It is survived by a decaf super grande skinny mochalattefrappaespressoccino… and a nice cup of tea.