The Iran Hostage Crisis 23 March 2007-5 April 2007

Having received the following obituary for the recent Iran Hostage Crisis, we at As A Dodo wish to make it plain that we now recognise that entrusting it to our religious correspondent may have been an error, especially at Easter time when his blood sugar was running at a rather higher level than normal, pumped up on Hot Cross Buns and Easter Eggs. We apologise.

Now the feast of Passover drew nigh, as did the anniversary of the birth of the Prophet and of the crucifixion of the Lord and the feast of the giant chocolate eggs, when the Thorntonites do celebrate their profit-spike and do fail to apologise for pronouncing "chocolatier" to rhyme with "musketeer".

And lo fifteen men and women of the British Royal Navy did sail upon the waters of the Gulf, where they did carry out a UN mandated patrol. And while they were patrolling upon the waters a force of Iranians did come among them and did seize them, saying that the waters upon which they patrolled were the waters of Iran, whatever their GPS might say. And so the fifteen did go with them, for they had had no training as to what to do in such circumstances save for a twenty-minute videotape advising them "not to do anything stupid".

And so the fifteen were taken unto Tehran where they were sore afflicted, being forced to wear ill-fitting Iranian suits and to play chess and smoke cigarettes and lark about a bit for the cameras.

And lo there was a voice crying in the wilderness, which is Texas, and that voice did cry "That ain't no way to conduct a snatch operation! Thou shouldst have seized the sailors and placed them in garments of orange and bound their hands and gagged their mouths and hooded their heads. And verily thou shouldst then have rendered them up unto the tender mercies of inquisitors in Egypt or Eastern Europe where the inquisitors might smite them about the head and the body and might attach electrodes to their testicles and set dogs upon them and then baptise them for many minutes at a time, until they do admit whatsoever sins the inquisitors may counsel them, in their mercy, to admit. That is what thou shouldst have done with these enemy combatants for that is what I would have done".

But the lone voice went unheeded and instead there was a wailing and a gnashing of teeth at the viciousness of the conduct of the Iranians towards their captives. And there was a general feeling among the people of America and Britain that they would have acted much better, despite all the evidence that they wouldn't.

And lo upon the thirteenth day the President of Iran, who is Ahmadinejad, and who does believe himself to be an instrument of the Lord most high, in which he is like unto the President of America and the Prime Minister of Britain, did go unto the peoples of the press. And Ahmadinejad did speak unto the peoples of the press, saying "And now is the anniversary of the Prophet's birth and of the crucifixion of him that is called Jesus and the feast of the Passover and a really good time for me to get some good publicity for myself after doing unto the economy of my nation what the peoples of Sodom and Gomorrah didst unto each other and unto their sheep and their goats. And lo, as a show of good will towards the British people and some great PR for myself, I shall release these sailors".

And all the people did cry out saying "Yes, release them", save for one voice that did cry "No, welease Bwian", but the people mocked him for he was a Pythonite.

And so it came to pass that the fifteen were made to appear before the President and shake his hand and thank him for his kindness and then they were returned unto Britain, where they will be hailed in a manner like unto the Lord coming into Jerusalem on the back of an ass before, if I am any judge of the British media, being crucified by the papers in a few days time for having failed to give only their name, rank and serial number, for the British press are a wicked people who shall do anything for a story.

The As A Dodo editors add: The Iran Hostage Crisis will be buried under a large pile of newsprint and a lengthy inquiry into GPS readings. It is survived by a very self-satisfied Iranian President.