The Incandescent Light Bulb c1870-2006

The whole of Britain will be plunged into darkness tonight following the unexpected death of the Incandescent Light Bulb, burnt out after almost 140 years of service.

Born in the latter part of the 19th century to at least 25 different inventors, all of whom claimed to have been on the scene at the time of its conception, the Incandescent Light Bulb was to brighten up evenings and nights across the globe for more than a century.

Ever eager to please, the Incandescent Light Bulb thrust itself into the world of entertainment. Soon it was adorning the dressing-room mirrors of West End stars and the fronts of the finest cinemas, not to mention adopting a fetching red hue in order to illumine the front windows of several Soho haunts favoured by MPs, judges, top celebrities and sad men incapable of forming a meaningful relationship. Within mere decades it had brought light to the most desolate and depressing places in Britain, including even parts of Blackpool, where "The Illuminations" are ritually celebrated to this day by groups of pensioners high on Stone's Ginger Wine and hen parties high on alcopops.

In the flowering of The Bulb's success lay the seeds of its failure. As it expended ever more energy on banishing the darkness The Bulb found itself cast in the role of profligate planet-destroyer by concerned scientists and economists as well as politicians eager to be seen to do something about climate change without having to, as the case may be, (a) talk to Gordon Brown about tax changes or (b) give up jetting off on fact-finding missions and having swanky official cars driving behind them just out of camera shot on the daily cycle ride to work .

The tide of opinion turning against it, The Incandescent Bulb soon found itself under threat from lower-energy lighting alternatives including compact fluorescent lamps and random acts of arson. Increasingly lonely and unloved, and forced to rely for what little popularity it could retain on the frequent retelling of ever-more-tired jokes about the number of persons required to change it, the Incandescent Light Bulb was eventually to pass away following a collision with the Stern Review on the Economics of Climate Change and Environment Minister David Milliband.

The Incandescent Light Bulb will be buried by new green taxes. The Bulb is survived by cheap flights, millions of TVs left on standby and the energy policy of the United States of America.

The Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution 1789-2006

People across the globe are holding candlelit vigils today in memory of the Eighth Amendment to the US Constitution, which has died at the age of 217 following an unfortunate incident last night involving Vice President Dick Cheney and a large body of water.

Born in 1789 to the Enlightenment and the Founding Fathers, as a child the Eighth Amendment was a robust and forthright article of the United States Bill of Rights, preventing the infliction of cruel and unusual punishment. Its birth was hailed by freedom-loving peoples across the globe and utterly condemned by torturers, members of the Honourable Guild of Racksmiths and Thumbscrewwrights and dentists.

As it grew the Eighth Amendment stuck to its campaigning path, successfully outlawing drawing and quartering, public dissecting, burning alive and disemboweling, thus helping to maintain the United States' reputation as a bastion of freedom as well as putting a severe crimp on the kind of programmes they can show on the Fox network. Not all was to go well for the Amendment, however. By the 20th century increasing concern was being shown over its behaviour, especially after the discovery of a large collection of really-rather-cruel-and-unusual-seeming equipment for lethal injections, gas chambers and electric chairs was discovered in its back yard. Claims that these were reserved for ceremonial use by state governors seeking the US Presidency were dismissed, especially after it was revealed that the Eighth Amendment was offering 2-for-1 discounts on lethal injections to Texas and was considering a "frequent fryer" scheme for the state of Nebraska.

Despite such questions, the Eighth Amendment was still respected across the globe until the early part of the 21st century, when it suddenly went missing one night after being seen in the company of a balding, white-haired man known to officials only as "Der Weisse Engel" or the "46th Vice-President of the United States". Reports of what happened thereafter become unclear, although some claim to have witnessed the Amendment being bundled onto a secret rendition flight to an unnamed East European torture chamber idyllic village. White House sources, in contrast, insist it had merely gone to stay with its close Uzbek relative Vlotar "Electrodes Up the Jacksie" Tezticklztampuh. In any event it is understood that it was during this trip that the Amendment chose to go for an early morning swim in company with Vice-President Cheney, a large board and several straps. Never a strong swimmer the Amendment fell into difficulty and drowned, despite Mr Cheney's heroic efforts to save it by holding a cloth over its face and repeatedly demanding "Is it safe?"

The Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution will be quietly buried in an unmarked grave somewhere you've never heard of. Anyone wishing to attend the funeral is asked to wear a hood and orange jumpsuit and be prepared for a long flight.

Faith School Quotas 2006-2006

Many will be saddened to hear of the death of Faith School Quotas, killed whilst travelling in a government vehicle last night.

Born in the early part of 2006, throughout its short life Faith School Quotas cleaved to a simple creed of religious toleration and understanding, insisting that Faith Schools take up to 25% of their pupils from children of different religious backgrounds or no religious background at all. This creed was based on the, perhaps naive, idea that children whose parents belong to different faith groups should occasionally meet each other and perhaps learn something about each other beyond the fact that they are unbelievers who should be wiped from the face of the Earth by (a) the forces of righteousness, (b) the will of the appropriate God and (c) large amounts of explosives.

Tragically, Faith School Quotas died last night, after the government vehicle it was travelling in was involved in a major accident following the decision of its driver, Education Secretary Alan Johnson, to perform a sudden U-turn which resulted in him driving into a sea of religious intolerance. Police are currently interviewing Mr Johnson who it is believed may have been driving under the influence of the Labour leadership contest at the time of the accident.

The funeral will be held on Monday at St Dawkins Church of Unbelief and will be followed by a ceremony of remembrance in which the Archbishop of Canterbury, Cardinal Cormac Murphy O'Connor, the Chief Rabbi, several imams and a couple of Hare Krishna followers will dance upon the grave. Representatives of the Church of Scientology will be on hand to take a collection, then donate it to themselves.

Faith School Quotas are survived by ghettos, crusades, jihads and Old Firm football matches in Glasgow.

London's Glittering West End 1663-2006

Doctors at St Larry's Hospital have confirmed that London's Glittering West End, known to friends as Theatreland, passed away this evening after being cruelly choked to death by a surfeit of film-to-stage transfers, musicals based on the back catalogues of 1970s pop groups and Andrew Lloyd-Webber.

Born in the aftermath of the Restoration to a fun-loving King Charles II, several playwrights and a large number of extremely willing actresses, London's Glittering West End soon developed into the theatrical centre of Britain ... as well as the scene of many encounters between the aforementioned fun-loving king and willing actresses.

Over the coming years Theatreland was to play host to a varied and astounding range of work from playwrights including Shakespeare, Shaw, Ibsen, Moliere, Pinter, Priestley and Beckett, and performances from such notables as Nell Gwynn, David Garrick, Sarah Bernhardt, Henry Irving, Laurence Olivier, Judi Dench, Peter O'Toole and several productions of Sir John Gielgud's Hamlet in local lavatory cubicles.

Despite its success, the years did not weigh easily on the West End. As time passed it began to suffer the inevitable ailments of age, its heart increasingly affected by fatty deposits of musical theatre. By the 1990s friends began to note that Theatreland's ability to keep up with current events was failing. Increasingly a shadow of its former self, London's Glittering West End became content to sit back and rock gently to the unthreatening strains of 1970's pop groups such as ABBA and Queen and ever more reliant on a diet of pre-digested Lion Kings, Producers and other film-to-stage transfers. Unable even to feed itself properly, it was eventually found choking on a mashed-up production of Dirty Dancing.

The funeral of London's Glittering West End will be attended by Andrew Lloyd-Webber, Ben Elton and several coach parties of confused pensioners under the impression they are at a performance of Les Miserables. Presiding vicar Cameron Mackintosh has confirmed that the ceremony will be in the best possible taste, the coffin being slowly lowered into its grave accompanied by a roller-skating tap routine and Michael Ball's rendition of Boney M's Ra-Ra-Rasputin. The final burial of the West End will take place on Friday, although doctors expect it to be revived in about 20 years time in a wave of ridiculous nostalgia for the noughties.

London's Glittering West End is survived by Andrew Lloyd-Webber, The Musical! (Book by Ben Elton, lyrics by Tim Rice and music by Puccini).

Bono's Integrity 1960-2006

Bono’s Integrity passed away this week, after an almost 50-year battle with the lead singer of U2. It collapsed and passed away as it was trying to retrieve its Stetson through the courts in Dublin. After forming a close relationship with the singer during the Rattle and Hum tour, the Stetson had tired of Bono’s attempts to mix politics with Christian Rock, and decided to go solo.

Early problems with Bono’s Integrity sadly went unnoticed when, during the 1970s, the teenage singer got his famous nickname from a hearing aid shop in Dublin.

During much of the 80s, Bono’s Integrity persuaded the singer to sport a mullet but, despite the best efforts of doctors, Bono’s Integrity continued to deteriorate as, in the 90s, it began to hobnob with politicians, businessmen and Sting.

Earlier this year, doctors became concerned when Bono’s Integrity participated in a buyout of Forbes magazine – the favourite top-shelf publication of the ultra rich.

Careering out of control, it refused all offers of medical attention, going on to accuse the Irish government of failing to do enough for African debt relief – before moving U2 Ltd to a tax shelter in Holland.

Bono’s Integrity was buried in a private ceremony sponsored by MTV and Apple Computers. Members of the Rock Aristocracy including George Bush, Paul Wolfowitz, Rupert Murdoch and Nana Mouskouri sang some of U2’s classic hits including “Money” by Pink Floyd, “Money, Money, Money” by Abba and Pride (In the Name of Money) by U2.

Bono’s Integrity is survived by his Bono’s Ego and Bono Talking Through His Hat.

The Veil 1300BC-2006

People across the globe will be shocked to learn today of the death of The Veil, which passed away this morning after a series of violent assaults by a selection of government politicians and the British press, led by Jack "Do You Mind Undressing For Me, Love?" Straw.

Though always rather vague about its age, the Veil is believed to have been born some time prior to 1300 BC, when - according to ancient Assyrian gossip columnists - it spent most of its days enjoying face time with noblewomen and most of its night-times hanging around with commoners and courtesans, a practice later to be taken up enthusiastically by British MPs and Premiership footballers.

After several centuries of such debauched behaviour, The Veil eventually decided to reform its ways following a serious of religious experiences. As many of these experiences involved deeply repressed religious men of senior years, The Veil took it upon itself to protect the world from the dreadful nubility of women, covering up their heads and faces lest they viciously inflame the hearts of deeply repressed religious men of senior years - who might happen to be, say, hanging around in alleyways or up ladders outside the women's houses desperate for a glimpse of nose or eyebrow.

Thanks to the sterling work of a range of deeply repressed religious men of senior years, within just a few centuries The Veil became common throughout the Middle East and Europe. Sadly its plans were to backfire, with its mere presence often serving merely to increase the erotic charge in any situation, something The Veil did little to help by going back to its old habits of appearing with erotic dancers and attractive young widows, as well as spending huge amounts of cash on really good eyeliner and mascara. Such mixed messages were ultimately to lead to tragedy, with a generation of teenage boys developing a permanent sexual fixation on Terry Jones after watching Monty Python's Life of Brian.

As the years passed and deeply repressed religious men of senior years began to lose their influence, The Veil started to fall from favour and from faces across Europe and many parts of the Middle East. Soon The Veil found itself increasingly ostracized. Lonely and unloved, it eventually became prey to attacks by unruly gangs, including "The Sun Boys", "The Express Crew" and "The Daily Mail Fear Squad". The incident that was to bring about its ultimate end came last week when it was grabbed by notorious Jack "The Cabinet Minister" Straw and used to bludgeon several fellow gang members in his attempt to win the Deputy Leadership of the group.

The Veil leaves behind many deeply repressed religious men of senior years, hundreds of concerned makers of bridal wear and a lot of very confused liberals.

YouTube 2005-2006

As A Dodo can today confirm reports that the 18-month-old videosharing website YouTube has died after being swallowed up by a giant Google whale while paddling in the lawyer-infested waters.

Born in February 2005, from the outset YouTube had a simple mission, to carry video communications from person to person across the waters of the interweb, allowing anyone anywhere in the world to share a little piece of their lives with others by placing their videos on the internet. Few could have predicted how successful YouTube would be in its mission, while even fewer could have predicted that the bits of their lives people wanted to share were bad kung fu demonstrations, dodgy lightsaber work-outs and lip-syncing demonstrations that would shame Milli Vanilli. Even more shocking was the fact that so many people's home videos bore an eery, some would say exact, resemblance to old TV episodes and the latest music videos.



It was as the young internet company was plunging blithely through the notorious sea of Digital Rights Management, Copyright and Trademark Infringements that, laden down with episodes of Lost and Madonna videos, it found itself surrounded by a school of great white media lawyers, eager for the scent of huge litigation dollars. With its attempts to struggle on hampered by several rare episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man and Knight Rider, it seemed certain that YouTube would soon be devoured by the vile creatures but fortunately it was able to swim to what appeared to be a nearby island while the lawyers argued over fee structures. Sadly, however, it appears that the island was in fact merely a killer Google whale. YouTube was swallowed whole.

YouTube was buried in the early hours of this morning, the officiant being a 72-year-old Japanese gentleman who lip-synced to Green Day's American Idiot whilst wearing a Darth Maul costume. It is survived by a vast amount of litigation.