Congress's Timetable for Withdrawal from Iraq 26 April 2007 - 1 May 2007

Four years to the day after he, somewhat prematurely, donned his best GI Joe fighter-pilot outfit to report the death of the War with Iraq (we must confess that at the time of his announcement the President was As A Dodo's Washington correspondent. Having thus contributed to our already dubious reputation for accuracy (for an example of which see eg here) and having developed a habit of leaving copies of the Gideon bible in our bedside tables and improving homilies about the dangers of alcohol all over As A Dodo Towers on every visit, we regret that we had no alternative but to fire him), President George W Bush has now confirmed the death of Congress's Timetable for Withdrawal from Iraq.

The Timetable was born in the final days of April 2007, when a Congress eager to be seen to be doing something about the war with Iraq (and even more eager to have a multi-billion dollar bargaining chip to back up its negotiations with the President) insisted on attaching a timetable for withdrawal to a bill providing funding for the continued US presence in that benighted part of the globe.

From its first moments it was plain that the Timetable could not hope to survive beyond a few days. The merest glance at its delicate frame revealed it to be not merely a transparent attempt to gain political capital but also a bid to humiliate the President, the Timetable containing as it did not merely detailed plans for withdrawal from Iraq but also a requirement that Mr Bush attend double English lessons in the morning and Geography lessons in the afternoon (the latter presumably aimed at persuading him that - contrary to the assertions of Vice-President Cheney - Iraq could not be confused either with Al Qaeda's former base of operations in Afghanistan or the home of the 9/11 suicide bombers in Saudi Arabia).

Indeed, so lacking in strength was the Timetable that it took it some five days to struggle the mile from Congress to the White House. By the time it arrived, the President made it plain that he had no alternative but to put it out of its misery, consigning it to oblivion with a stab of a pen which he let be known (in an in-no-way utterly distasteful manner) had been given to him by the father of a marine killed in Iraq two years ago.

Seeking - like Brutus on the steps of the forum - to justify his actions, the President announced that the bill had sought to "substitute the opinions of politicians for the judgements of military commanders" - an action which he wholly condemned (unless the politicians in question were Paul "I could be so good for you, baby" Wolfowitz or Donald "I see no torture" Rumsfeld) - as well as "setting a timetable for chaos and confusion" that would "demoralise the Iraqi people and encourage killers across the Middle East", which tasks the President's administration already had well in hand.

Thus it was that the Timetable passed away. It will be buried quietly this weekend at the Church of St Mike Dukakis the Politically Hopeless. The Reverend Hillary Clinton will read from the Book of "What Me? Vote for the War? 'Fraid You've Got the Wrong Person, Squire. I was Tying my Shoelaces at the Time" and the hymn will be Number 582 "There is a Baghdad Far Away Without a City Wall, Reliable Electricity or Working Plumbing".

Lewis "Scooter" Libby's Political Usefulness 1981-2007

Lewis "Scooter" Libby’s Political Usefulness as assistant to President Bush and Chief of Staff to Dick Cheney was legally terminated yesterday when it was found guilty on four counts of obstruction of justice and perjury in the cover-up of the leaking of the name of a CIA operative, and one count of being named after a character in The Muppets.

Scooter Libby’s Political Usefulness was born in 1981, the offspring of a legal career defending dodgy businessmen and military-industrial corporations and a job offer from his friendly old Yale professor, Paul Wolfowitz, who always likes to help out someone in need, provided that someone is already a hugely successful, go-getting, higher-rate-tax-payer and not some welfare-guzzling schmo who might actually be in, er, need.

The Usefulness quickly proved its worth at the State Department, specialising in East Asian and Pacific affairs, before moving to the Pentagon in 1989, as Principal Deputy Under-Secretary Of Defense For Strategy And Resources And Making Up Stuff About Foreign Countries As An Excuse To Start A War With Them.

By the end of the century, The Usefulness had become part of George W Bush’s core security team, along with Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleezza Rice, and Mr Wolfowitz – a network of neo-conservatives known as “The Vulcans”, completely devoid of human emotion, able to kill a liberal with their “death grip” but, strangely, singularly unsuccessful in achieving a mind-meld with the President.

In 2001, The Usefulness was made Vice-President Dick Cheney’s Chief of Staff becoming so close to the Vice President that it was known as “Dick Cheney’s Dick Cheney”. At the same time, it also became an assistant to Mr Bush (“Dick Cheney’s Dick”) and national security adviser, shaping policy on Afghanistan, Iraq, North Korea and other countries neocons thought the US could easily whup in a fight that posed a threat to world peace.

It was during the build-up to the invasion of Iraq that the seeds of The Usefulness's demise were sown, when former US ambassador Joseph Wilson publicly cast doubt on the President’s insistence that Saddam Hussein had the ability to develop nuclear weapons. Why Mr Wilson should have cast such doubt no one can say, perhaps it was out of envy of Mr Bush, perhaps a deep and abiding hatred of freedom or perhaps even because Saddam Hussein was not developing nuclear weapons. Nonetheless it was at this time that The Usefulness's nemesis arrived, in the guise of some shadowy figure - who may or may not have loved hunting quail and septuagenarian lawyers - authorised the leaking of the fact Mr Wilson’s wife, Victoria Plame, was a CIA operative and – far, far worse – the owner of several Joni Mitchell albums, details which were both capable of putting her life in danger and ending her career.

With the hunt for this shadowy figure on in Capitol Hill and among the press and indictments being threatened, The Usefulness entered its last moments, nobly allowing itself to be cast into the path of the ravenous pursuing lawyers, who set upon it with glee. Even as it was being devoured the Usefulness strove to protect those who had cast it aside, unwilling to call on its former masters even to speak in its favour. Found guilty of covering-up the Plame leak, The Usefulness was useful no more. It blinked its last and died yesterday in Courtroom 17.

Scooter Libby’s Political Usefulness will be buried at the Lee Majors Church of the Fall Guy. It is survived by Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Richard Armitage, Paul Wolfowitz and a pardon from George Bush just before he leaves office in January, 2009.

The Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution 1789-2006

People across the globe are holding candlelit vigils today in memory of the Eighth Amendment to the US Constitution, which has died at the age of 217 following an unfortunate incident last night involving Vice President Dick Cheney and a large body of water.

Born in 1789 to the Enlightenment and the Founding Fathers, as a child the Eighth Amendment was a robust and forthright article of the United States Bill of Rights, preventing the infliction of cruel and unusual punishment. Its birth was hailed by freedom-loving peoples across the globe and utterly condemned by torturers, members of the Honourable Guild of Racksmiths and Thumbscrewwrights and dentists.

As it grew the Eighth Amendment stuck to its campaigning path, successfully outlawing drawing and quartering, public dissecting, burning alive and disemboweling, thus helping to maintain the United States' reputation as a bastion of freedom as well as putting a severe crimp on the kind of programmes they can show on the Fox network. Not all was to go well for the Amendment, however. By the 20th century increasing concern was being shown over its behaviour, especially after the discovery of a large collection of really-rather-cruel-and-unusual-seeming equipment for lethal injections, gas chambers and electric chairs was discovered in its back yard. Claims that these were reserved for ceremonial use by state governors seeking the US Presidency were dismissed, especially after it was revealed that the Eighth Amendment was offering 2-for-1 discounts on lethal injections to Texas and was considering a "frequent fryer" scheme for the state of Nebraska.

Despite such questions, the Eighth Amendment was still respected across the globe until the early part of the 21st century, when it suddenly went missing one night after being seen in the company of a balding, white-haired man known to officials only as "Der Weisse Engel" or the "46th Vice-President of the United States". Reports of what happened thereafter become unclear, although some claim to have witnessed the Amendment being bundled onto a secret rendition flight to an unnamed East European torture chamber idyllic village. White House sources, in contrast, insist it had merely gone to stay with its close Uzbek relative Vlotar "Electrodes Up the Jacksie" Tezticklztampuh. In any event it is understood that it was during this trip that the Amendment chose to go for an early morning swim in company with Vice-President Cheney, a large board and several straps. Never a strong swimmer the Amendment fell into difficulty and drowned, despite Mr Cheney's heroic efforts to save it by holding a cloth over its face and repeatedly demanding "Is it safe?"

The Eighth Amendment to the United States Constitution will be quietly buried in an unmarked grave somewhere you've never heard of. Anyone wishing to attend the funeral is asked to wear a hood and orange jumpsuit and be prepared for a long flight.

The Last Possible Reason for War With Iraq 2002-2006

Following the release of hitherto secret files in the United States of America, As A Dodo can reveal that the Last Possible Reason For War With Iraq was terminated with extreme prejudice by the Central Intelligence Agency last summer and secretly buried by the Bush administration.

The Last Possible Reason For War With Iraq was born to George Bush and Tony Blair in 2002, the youngest of several older Reasons for War With Iraq, including Weapons of Mass Destruction, Control of the Oil Supply and Cos It Looked At My Pint Funny, all of which had tragically died in early childhood. Despite this distressing background, The Last Reason refused to be deterred and, within months of its birth, it was leading American troops into war with a smile on its lips, a song in its heart and a wild and wholly false battle cry claiming Saddam Hussein was linked to Al Qaeda bellowing from its throat. Soon it was setting about its multiple tasks of distracting from the search for Osama bin Laden, alienating Islamic opinion and avenging the President's Pa with relish.

In the following years The Reason was to distinguish itself repeatedly in action against Senate Committees, the international intelligence community and common sense, repeatedly leaping to the lips of such luminaries as Colin Powell, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and, of course, the President himself, not to mention all employees of Fox News. Soon it became the rallying call of all those who believed strongly in prosecuting war in Iraq (from the safety of a sofa in America), enabling them to join together in building some of the greatest ahievements of the early twenty-first century, including the removal of civil liberties, increased surveillance of citizenry, heightened paranoia and the abandonment of the norms created by International Law and the Geneva Conventions. Despite these successes, however, The Reason was ultimately to fall in the summer of 2005 when, faced with multiple enquiries it was ultimately outgunned by the forces of the truth. Given its many sacrifices, it is perhaps little surprise that despite its defeat, its words are still to be found on the lips of the President almost daily.

The Last Reason is survived by Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld and a reinvigorated Iran.