But Not Forgotten: Week Ending 24 February 2007

• Dr Robert Adler 1913-2007 - co-inventor of the TV remote
• Derek Waring 1927-2007 - actor
• Ray Evans 1915-2007 - lyricist behind "Que Sera, Sera"
• Maurice Papon 1910-2007 - French cabinet minister and Nazi collaborator

Prince Harry's Bad Boy Reputation 2002-2007

Buckingham Palace insiders and Ministry of Defence officials have today confirmed to a shocked nation that the "Bad Boy" reputation of third in line to the British throne Prince Harry has passed away, replaced in its prime by the heroic reputation of plain "Cornet Wales": not, as some had assumed, a Duchy Organic ice cream flavour but rather the title the Prince will bear during his military service in Iraq as a member of the Blues and Royals Regiment.

Prince Harry's Bad Boy reputation was born in 2002. Like so many Bad Boys, Prince Harry earned his reputation after years of living off the state and wandering around aimlessly on vast estates. Though admittedly the estates Harry wandered around had much better grouse shooting than the average inner-city tower block, the Prince nonetheless followed the path of many a bored British teen and began drinking heavily and smoking cannabis. Relatives feared these habits might go from bad to worse, leading to addiction to hard drugs or even dabbling with standing for the Conservative leadership.

Despite the Prince's antics having landed him on the front page of every British tabloid, there were soon concerns for his newbown Bad Boy Reputation when it was announced that he would be attending a drug counselling centre for a day. Much to the consternation of all those - chiefly newspaper editors - who cared about the Reputation, Harry soon seemed to have turned his back on his rebellious ways and learned to follow more traditional Royal standards of behaviour, falling off polo ponies and calling his French chef a "F***ing Frog".

Happily for all concerned, Harry was soon back on form again and by 2005 he was partying the nights away in West End nightclubs and engaging in drunken scuffles with members of the paparazzi.

In the same year the Prince entered the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst, intent on becoming a cavalry officer despite warnings that he was obviously overqualified for such a post, being in possession of a chin. Thankfully he passed the Sandhurst intelligence test with flying colours, pushing hard on a door marked "pull" for well in excess of the half hour normally required for officer material. Those who feared that pulling on the uniform his ancestors had worn with pride might prove a fatal blow to his Bad Boy reputation were proved wrong when the uniform in question turned out to be that of a Schutzstaffel Oberfũhrer.

Despite such positive signs, Prince Harry's Bad Boy Reputation - a vital part of both the nation's heritage and the newspaper circulation battle - slipped away this week following the announcement that the Prince is to lead a troop of 12 men in Iraq. The Reputation will be buried with full military honours and an item of fruit inserted in its rear after a street brawl outside a Mayfair nightspot. It is survived by acres of newsprint praising Harry as a modern-day Achilles and the only 12 British soldiers in Iraq who can be absolutely confident of having all the latest military equipment (boots, body armour, working guns) and backup they could ever want.

Bush and Blair 2001-2007

Comedy fans are mourning the death of one of the world's funniest double acts, Bush and Blair, following today's shock announcement by British Prime Minister Tony Blair that he has decided to withdraw from his comic partnership with the USA's President George Bush and will no longer be joining him on the set of the latest in their series of hilarious "Road To" movies, "The Road To A New Vietnam".

It was in 2001 that Tony Blair decided to replace his former sidekick Bill "Slick Willie" Clinton after Clinton's comic persona as a loveable lothario - and catchphrase "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" - began to prove box-office death in America's post-millennial moral climate. Initially Blair had hoped to hook up with Clinton's old straight man, Al Gore, but was to opt instead for the guy behind the tongue-tied goof routine that stole American hearts and votes during the 2000 Presidential Election.

Almost immediately Bush and Blair began preparations for their hilariously titled - and now notorious - "Bringing Democracy" World Tour, Blair spending each day working on the wonderfully ludicrous "I'm a Pretty Straight Kinda Guy" routine that had won him the laughter of audiences across the United Kingdom, while Dubya perfected everything from his "Kenny Boy Lay? - Never Met Him In My Life" skit to the death-defying piece of physical comedy that was "Chewing A Pretzel".

With Bush and Blair's comic characters in place, Dubya playing a knuckle-dragging jock and Blair the smooth-talking poodle that insisted on following him everywhere he went, Bush's long-time manager Dick Cheney spotted the box-office potential in the sequence of scripts that would become the pair's "Road To" movies. Soon they were laughing on "The Road to Democracy", sweeping along the dusty "Road to Afghanistan Liberation" and crying on "The Road to Iraqi Freedom" (known in Britain under the title "The Road to Electoral Suicide").

It was during the filming of the last of these three movies that rumours of a split first began to surface. Crew members reported the sounds of heated arguments emerging from the pair's trailer and more and more often the once inseparable duo were seen to arrive and leave the set apart. The cause, some claim, was the latest script optioned for the pair by Mr Cheney, "The Road To Iran" (also known as "The Road to Armageddon"). Whatever the basis for the dispute, it was increasingly clear that relations between the two men had begun to sour. Indeed it came as little surprise when, on Tuesday night, Mr Blair announced that he would be pulling out of the duo's latest lraq tour, "The Big Troop Surge", to concentrate on other projects.

The comedy duo that was Bush and Blair will be remembered fondly by its fans, both of whom can be found in a secure wing of The Charge of the Light Brigade Hospital for the Militarily Insane.

Bush and Blair are now working on their solo projects: Tony Blair's "Legacy Tour" (fans should be aware that the tour has now been considerably shortened) and George Bush's "Who Gives A Crap? I Ain't Standing For Election Again" stand-up appearances in Washington's premier comedy venue, the White House.

Britney Spears's Hair 1981-2007

Britney Spears's Hair died this weekend after it was forcibly removed from its life support system in a Los Angeles tattoo parlour. It had been unwell for some time as a result of obsessive interest in its every move, flick, wave and tint from people around the world who deemed knowledge of the Hair more important than an understanding of history, science, politics or even themselves.

Britney Spears's Hair was born in 1981 to Britney Spears herself and led a normal and unremarkable life - barring a childish experimentation with Mickey Mouse ears - until 1998 when it found itself propelled against its will into the paparazzi flashlights following the success of Britney's debut album ...Baby One More Time.

Almost overnight the Hair became the most-photographed celebrity in the world, replacing Princess Diana's cleavage and Tony Blair's cheekily self-satisfied grin as the holy grail of snapshots.

Where once the Hair had been able to spend its days sensibly brushed and parted or even matted and hidden under a hat if it so wished, now the hair faced a daily barrage of media speculation about its next reinvention and endless questions about everything from its favourite conditioner to its thoughts on the Middle East peace process.

Despite its astonishing financial success the Hair's behaviour became increasingly erratic as it was hounded from nightclub to wedding chapel to divorce court. In a desperate bid to return to a more simple style, the Hair checked itself into rehab for a quick rinse and blow-dry but checked itself out before completing the treatment, resulting in a tonsorial disaster that pushed the war in Iraq off the front pages.

The damage had been done, and Britney Spears filed for divorce from the Hair citing irreconcilable artistic differences, although she was present as the two parted company and the Hair was finally allowed to rest in peace, beneath the barber's chair, before being swept away for the final time.

Britney Spears's Hair will be buried at the St Samson Church of Non-Denominational Celebrity Hair, Hollywood, in a private service attended by friends, family, minders, paparazzi and hundreds of thousands of distraught fans before the Hair is exhumed by bald acolytes and sold on eBay.

Britney Spears's Hair was predeceased by Ted Danson's thatch and Demi Moore's locks. It is survived by tabloid editors tearing their hair out as they while away the time until they can print the next Britney upskirt crotch shot without more than the usual amount of hypocrisy.

But Not Forgotten: Week Ending 17 February 2007

• Sheridan Morley 1941-2007 - writer, presenter and critic
  
• Steven Pimlott 1953-2007 - theatre director
• Peter Clarke 1948-2007 - Children's Commissioner
• Nicholas Johnson 1947-2007 - ballet dancer
• Ruth Crisp 1918-2007 - crossword compiler

Tony Blair's Nuclear Plans 2005-2007

Tony Blair’s Nuclear Plans have emitted their last after a titanic struggle with Greenpeace led the High Court to rule that plans to build a new series of reactors were “unlawful” and that the Government's consultation process was “misleading”, “seriously flawed” and led everyone else to rule they were "absolutely typical".

The Government having sat down with the nation in 2003, talked things through and decided not to give birth to nuclear power - despite the attractions of having someone to look after one's energy needs in old age - because of all the mess it would cause, Tony Blair’s Nuclear Plans were a surprise birth in late 2005. The surprise was particularly great as the Prime Minister had faithfully promised the nation that he would have his nuclear power generating organs tied up in a lengthy consultation process.

Following the birth Mr Blair was quick to assure the, still startled, country that his new progeny would close the country’s “energy gap” and conveniently reduce carbon emissions as well as helping turn Britain into a world leader for three-eyed fish and glow-in-the-dark seaweed.

Despite Mr Blair's pride in his offspring, as the Plans grew older and their power leaked dangerously across the country, the High Court was surrounded by angry and terrified members of Greenpeace armed with hemp-woven pitchforks, torches knitted from muesli and some of the best lawyers money can buy, demanding an urgent judicial review.

With Greenpeace warning that the success of the Plans might plunge the nation into a nuclear nightmare in which schools, hospitals and even civil liberties might be laid waste, the High Court - after wondering whether anyone would notice the difference - ordered that the knot in the Prime Minister's enormous desire for a nuclear legacy be re-tied.

Tony Blair’s Nuclear Plans will be buried in a lead-lined coffin in the graveyard of St Sellafield Church of the Poisoned Sea, from which they will arise just as soon as the Government can fake another consultation. The service will be conducted by a two-headed vicar. Hymns will include “When Irish Eyes Are Glowing” and "There Is a Luminous Green Sheep Far Away".

Tony Blair’s Nuclear Plans are survived by Tony Blair’s complete refusal to listen to anyone except himself.

Cleopatra's Beauty c51BC-2007AD

The reputation of Egypt's Queen Cleopatra VII for beauty - a reputation burnished down the ages by such great writers as Lucan, Shakespeare and the authors of short-lived sci-fi show Cleopatra 2525 - has died, choked on a single Roman coin.

Born in about 51BC, following Cleopatra's accession to the throne of Egypt at the age of eighteen, Cleopatra's reputation for beauty was rapidly spread about the whole of the known world, chiefly by drunken sailors for most of whom the last sight of a female was "that dolphin off the coast of Asia Minor that was giving me the eye last week". The fame of her alleged beauty grew even greater in 48BC, following the Queen's usurpation by her co-ruler and brother Ptolemy XIII and her subsequent exile.

By the time of Ptolemy's defeat by Julius Caesar later in 48BC, Cleopatra's beauty was known even in Rome itself. Keen to capitalise on the situation, the Queen decided to woo the Roman leader by having herself delivered to him in the Palace at Alexandria rolled up inside a Persian carpet ... which it now seems she probably didn't remove before wooing him. Caesar himself being (a) a man, (b) very important and (c) a man - as well as being no great catch in the love stakes given that he was getting on a bit, frequently suffered fits and possessed a head of hair so sparse that even Donald Trump's barber would have been at a loss to deal with it - insisted that it be put about that he had been making love to the most beautiful woman in the world and thus a legend was born.

The Queen's allure gained even more lustre following Caesar's death, when she successfully wooed his closest follower, Mark Antony, with a combination of her charm, wit and - it would now seem - some very carefully arranged lighting. The passionate nature of their relationship, in which they came close to ruling much of the known world, became a byword among the ancients, much as the relationship of David and Victoria Beckham is today. The romance of the relationship's ending, with each killing themselves at the thought of the other's loss, inspired generations. 1600 years later William Shakespeare himself recorded the Queen's extraordinary loveliness in his Antony and Cleopatra, although his judgment in this regard may well be brought into question by the fact he did insist she be played by a young boy. Soon she was being played by the greatest beauties of every age from Elizabeth Taylor to ... er ... Judi Dench.

Having survived more than 2,000 years, Cleopatra's Beauty breathed its last on Valentine's Day 2007, when the unearthing of a coin bearing the heads of both Anthony and Cleopatra by Newcastle University revealed that the two of them were so ugly that, inasmuch as they may have spent long nights of passion together, each probably insisted the other wear a bag over their head throughout.

Cleopatra's Beauty will be buried at the Nicky-Hambleton Jones Church of the Botox-Frozen Forehead. It is survived by Cleo Lane, Cleo Rocos, the Renault Clio and a production of Anthony and Cleopatra starring Bernard Manning as the Queen of Egypt.