Bad Relationships c. The Dawn of Time - 2007

Men and women have set aside their differences and left their separate home planets of Mars and Venus to live together harmoniously somewhere betwixt their former residences⁽¹⁾ following the news that a study for the Archives of Internal Medicine have proved that Bad Relationships are... um... bad for your heart ... unless you're Heather Mills McCartney, in which case they are bad to the tune of £50 million (a pretty good return for four years being hopping mad with a Beatle⁽²⁾).

Whenever it was that man and woman (or man and man, or woman and woman, or man and woman and woman⁽³⁾) first drank too much and thought it would be a great idea to spend the rest of their lives together in a loving and fruitful relationship, passing blissful days, weeks, months and - oh God - years arguing about whose turn it is to do the hoovering and all I said was yes, she is attractive what do you want me say...? That your best friend is a moose...?

Ahem... Even Adam and Eve had their problems: Adam was always trying to get his hands on her ripe fruits and she thought he was a pain in the asp. Sadly, this set the template for many a subsequent relationship. While some found a way to co-exist despite his irritating habit of clipping his toe-nails in the living room or her charming grumpiness in the mornings, others struggled to accept that these lovable eccentricities were the bedrock of Good Relationships and embarked upon a rollercoaster of raised voices and sulky silences. And so Bad Relationships flourished in all areas of life wherever two or more (see ⁽³⁾ above) people came together and the world shrugged its shoulders and turned up the volume on the TV as the neighbours went at it hammer-and-tongs again.

But when lonely scientists from University College London spent 12 years "following" 9,000 people (a "study" ended prematurely by the issuing of a High Court injunction and the threat of an Asbo for the whole university) they discovered that people in Bad Relationships are more likely to develop heart disease than star-crossed lovers such as Romeo and Juliet or Diana or Dodi⁽⁴⁾. And so it was that the lion laid down with the lamb and the land was freed from the sound of barbed remarks and door-slamming, yea, even unto the home of Jeremy Paxman and John Humphrys⁽⁵⁾, and Bad Relationships were no more as hearts swelled with love rather than hardened arteries.

Bad Relationships will be buried at the Church of St Richard Burton and St Elizabeth Taylor of the Holy S&%t! You Left the Loo Seat Up Again! The service will be conducted by the very reverend Jeremy Kyle and the congregation will sing All You Need is Love... no... Love is All Around... No, you choose... No, after you... Oh for once in your life why can't you just make a decision...?! after which they will make the sign of peace then headbutt each other.

⁽¹⁾ that would be Earth then...
⁽²⁾ far out-stripping Jeremy Paxman's paltry £11.50 for spending an afternoon with Ringo Starr (playfully chiding him for being unable to count up to four).
⁽³⁾ the suggestion of which proved the origin of many a bad relationship...
⁽⁴⁾ or any other lovestruck couple that didn't kill themselves or were killed by a) the paparazzi, b) the florists, c) Prince Philip or d) a secret cabal of a), b) and c).
⁽⁵⁾ a home which had not been a happy one since John had grilled Jeremy about that afternoon spent with Ringo.