Those Who Knew Them: Kurt Waldheim 1918-2007

The As A Dodo Team must confess that it has had more than a little difficulty in obtaining the following tribute to the controversial former Austrian President and UN Secretary General Kurt Waldheim. Having had considerable trouble in tracking down Mr Waldheim's former associate, Don Diego Alfonso von Martin Bormann, in his delightful landhaus in Argentina, we felt it best to publish his responses - such as they were - to our questions, verbatim.

"von Martin Bormann ... ach ... ¿Bueno?"

"Si, senor, yes I speak English a little. Is it safe?"

"Oh I am sorry, I must have confused you with someone else. I am a simple Argentine dentist."

"Waldheim? ... Waldheim? ... no it does not ring a bell."

"Now, when you say you are not from the police ... can you prove that?"

"And the diamonds will be passed to me via New York? ... Very well, the interview may proceed."

"Oh yes, I knew Kurt very well. We were just two little Austrian kids together before the war, you know. We would play games together. Kurt always loved Pelmanism ... you know, the 'Pairs' game mitt cards? Kurt was superb ... we once went three days without matching a single pair. Such bad memories we had! I swear we would have forgotten our own names .... particularly if they appeared on any party papers."

"No, no, it was a terrible time the glorious liberation of ... I mean, the invasion of Austria ... by Hitler and his Nazis. Terrible. All those crowds of joyous people welcoming their new leader, all those bands, all those spiffy uniforms and marching. Absolutely terrible."

"Yes, it was so terrible that me and Kurt immediately joined the Nazi party and signed up for the Sturmabteilung. I always thought the brown shirt suited Kurt very well."

"The Wehrmacht? Well, we was drafted in, you know. Served on the Eastern Front. Of course, we was both given medical discharges in 41."

"Oh ... you have got the papers there have you? Well, it was a long time ago, you know ... the memory it plays tricks."

"Well, maybe we weren't disharged."

"Yes, it is possible we did serve a little time mitt General Löhr. Honestly, we thought he was called the Butcher of the Balkans because he did a great Wiener schnitzel. I tell you, he may have been a war criminal but the things that man could do with a bit of veal."

"Jews? There were Jews killed in the war?! No! I had no idea. I'm sure Kurt had no idea."

"So? ... We lived next door to a Konzentrationslager, did we? ... We thought it was just a simple holiday camp ..."

"We signed papers did we? No ... I can't remember that ... 'They ordered the deportation of Jews, execution of British commandos and bloody suppression of the partisans'. You see I'm sure I'd remember something like that ... or my name's not ... er ... whatever my name is."

"No, no ... these things are best forgotten, you see. Kurt knew that. I know that. I mean ... if we'd remembered them, he would never have become UN Secretary General and President of Austria, would he? And I wouldn't be a simple Argentine dentist with no fear of being extradited."

"Ja ... si ... I'm afraid I must end it there. I have a tooth extraction I must be doing. I must remember to forget the anaesthetic."

"Wiederhören ... ach ... Platicamos."

Kurt Waldheim will be buried at St Adolf's Church of the Blessedly Short Memory. The celebrant will be an innocent South American dentist in an SA uniform. The hymn will be number 666, The Horst-Wessel-Lied.

Those Who Knew Them: Augusto Pinochet 1915-2006

The following piece was commissioned from an old friend of the late General Pinochet, who knew the former Chilean dictator from shortly before his rise to power in 1973. Sadly the author wishes to remain anonymous. We shall refer to him simply as "Mr X". Those wishing to write to Mr X are advised to contact him via "The Agency", Langley, Virginia.

People say a lot of things about Augusto Pinochet these days. Most of the things they say are bad. All I can tell you is that people have forgotten what Chile was like back in the day. Before the General came to power, Chile was going to heck in a jet-powered handbasket - rampant inflation, class warfare. And strikes?! There were strikes every goshdarn day! And I should know, me and the boys organised at least a half of 'em. Yep, back in '73 Chile was more than ripe for a strong leader to pluck. And that strong leader was Augusto Pinochet.

Sure, people say it was wrong to bring down the Allende government, but he was a Marxist for darn's sake! Now sure, sure, he was democratically elected but, you know, there's democracies and there's democracies. I mean, these days, we like all democracies, no matter what evil-eyed, West-hating freak is in charge. Back in the day, though, we knew what sort of democracies we wanted and they sure as shinola weren't run by commies. No, what America, north and south, needed was a guy in a spiffy uniform who didn't mind offing a few thousand mother-loving socialists in order to make sure the trains ran on time.

Augusto Pinochet was a strong man who knew his mind. He believed in freedom: freedom for people to support him, freedom for people not to be tortured as long as they supported him, freedom for people to remain breathing as long as they didn't speak out against him. And he had a good heart too, in fact so good a heart that it could be guaranteed to fail him just about every time he faced a serious inquiry from those pinko "democratically-elected" leaders that replaced him or those no-good Euro-types. That's what I call a pro!

How to sum up a man like that? People say you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. All I can tell you is that General Augusto Pinochet was one heck of an omelette maker. He didn't just break those eggs, he disappeared 'em off the face of the Earth and had you locked up if you even dared to ask where they'd gotten to. Heck of a guy.