Brief Lives: Alan Johnson's Labour Leadership Bid 2006-2006

Across Britain today, almost no-one is mourning the death of Education Secretary Alan Johnson's Bid for the Labour Party Leadership, which passed away largely unnoticed at 9am.

The child of a desperate desire to prevent Gordon Brown becoming Prime Minister, Alan Johnson's Leadership Bid was born in the summer of 2006 in the region of the Number Ten Policy Unit in Downing Street. Its birth was greeted by a wave of complete indifference in newspapers, magazines, television and across the nation as a whole.

Over the following months, backers of the Leadership Bid whipped themselves into a frenzy of tedium as campaign HQ pulsed to the sound of no phones ringing and no calls being made. By the beginning of this month, those behind the Leadership Bid were at fever pitch as Mr Johnson's recognition factor leapt to an astonishing 2 people in 100, though sadly both those people recognised Mr Johnson as "the bloke who used to hand out the shopping baskets at the entrance to Asda".

Facing inevitable ignominy The Leadership Bid was buried this morning when Mr Johnson told a packed hall of empty seats that he would not be standing for the leadership as there was a far more able man for the job ... though sadly he had been unable to dissuade Mr Blair from standing down.

Alan Johnson's Labour Leadership Bid is survived by Alan Johnson's Deputy Leadership Bid, and, tragically, John Reid.

Brief Lives: The Three Blind Mice 1609-2006

"Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run"

... but alas they run no more. It is the sad duty of As A Dodo to report the demise of The Three Blind Mice, who have been running from the farmer's wife ever since they were published as a satirical poem about Queen Mary I in 1609. While other nursery rhyme mice chose to spend their time running up and down clocks, being frightened by pussycats who'd gone up to London to look at the Queen and dressing up in clogs in order to go clip-clippety-clop on the stairs of windmills in old Amsterdam, the three blind mice - white canes in hand - stuck steadfastly to their duties despite frequent tail loss and much mockery from people who'd never seen such a thing in their life.

Despite these years of service, the three were forced to disband on Thursday after being forcibly cured of their condition by researchers at University College London Institutes of Ophthalmology and Child Health and Moorfields Eye Hospital.

A memorial service for The Three Blind Mice was held last night. It was attended by all the Mice's friends and family, except pussy who had been put in a well by Little Johnny Flynn.

The Three Blind Mice are survived by the computer mouse, Mickey Mouse and that mouse with the human ear on its back.

Brief Lives: P Diddy 1992-2006

In another of our occasional series, we at As A Dodo bring you "Brief Lives" - short obituaries by our staff writers. Our first Brief Life follows the sad death of the P Diddy monicker ...

The music world is once more mourning the death of a major rap star. P Diddy has been killed following a dispute with major gangland figure K "Tattifilarious" Dodd over the right to use the "Diddy" name.

Police remain unclear over the precise sequence of events but it is understood Mr Combs was leaving the Grape and Firkin in Knotty Ash, Liverpool after enjoying a pint of IPA and a plate of scouse with friends, when he was attacked in a drive-by tickle-sticking. The assailants have not been positively identified but local rumour points to the involvement of Dodd's enforcers The Diddymen. The vicious gang - whose members include Mick the Marmalizer, Nigel Ponsonby Smallpiece, Wee Hamish McDiddy, Harry Cott and the notorious Dickie Mint - is wanted along with Dodd for a series of crimes during the 60's and 70's including arson at the Jam Butty Mines, a suspicious drowning at the Treacle Works and the 1965 number 1 single "Tears".

P Diddy is survived by Sean "Puffy" Combs. Mr Combs is currently being sued over the "Puffy" nickname by John Prescott.